I’ve alluded to my (complete lack of) natural grace and coordination before on this here blog. More than once.
Hey, it’s even on my About me page. It’s a part of who I am. Since I’ve not been able to beat it, I’ve decided to embrace it.
I started writing a post about the ins and outs of living with the terrible affliction of coordinationlessness. The list kept growing, and I realised that I have hurt myself in many ways. So very many ways.
And most of them dumb.
Dumb. Dumb ways to…
Yep, I’m going there. After the reaction to my Ironic post last month, how could I resist writing another song?
Voila. Here it is. Dumb ways to get hurt. My rewrite of the already hilarious Dumb ways to die (which is at the bottom of this post if you’re not familiar with it).
Read. Enjoy. Laugh. And then cringe. Because all of this (and more) has ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ME.
Dumb ways to get hurt
—-
Crush your toe with a cabinet drawer
Twist your ankle walking out your front door
Run into the ropes of your tent
And tear your posterior cruciate ligament
Dumb ways to get hurt
So many dumb ways to get hurt
Dumb ways to get hu-u-urt
And I have done them all
Wrench your back playing netball
Sprain your ankle playing netball
Break your thumb playing netball
(Hmmm, perhaps I shouldn’t play netball?)
Dumb ways to get hurt
So many dumb ways to get hurt
Dumb ways to get hu-u-urt
Repeat verse two (by at least four)
Get tangled in the volleyball net
Use your face for the perfect set
Go out and drink some really cheap wine
And on the walk home spike a low-hanging shop sign
Dumb ways to get hurt
So many dumb ways to get hurt
Dumb ways to get hu-u-urt
Can you believe I’ve done them all?
Pull a muscle doing hula hoop
Burn your mouth eating really hot soup
Infect your ears by wearing cheap bling
Get your skin stuck in the coils of a trampoline spring
Dumb ways to get hurt
So many dumb ways to get hurt
Dumb ways to get hu-u-u-urt…
I’ve seriously done them all
(music slows)
I know it’s hard to believe the things on this list
There are actually more but by now you should get the gist
Get your foot stuck in a hole in the school fence
Misjudge the gutter when walking to your car
Lose your toenail on a club dancefloor
They may hurt like hell, but they’re great fodder for…
The dumbest ways to get hurt
The dumbest ways to get hurt
The dumbest ways to get hu-u-u-urt…
So many dumb, so many dumb ways to get hurt
—-
What’s the silliest way you’ve injured yourself? I have a few more up my sleeve, so share yours, and let’s see if we can make a few more verses.
Update 14 January 2014: Thanks for sharing your fabulous(ly embarrassing) tales of uncoordination. They didn’t just contribute to a few new verses – I’ve written a whole new song! Come on over to read Dumb ways to get hurt (the reader remix).
And if you’re not familiar with the original song (ad), here it is:
Our kettle died and I burnt my lip microwaving tea – not on the liquid, but on the hot cup. The dumbest part was the next day I woke up in a panic thinking I was finally getting a cold sore (which I don’t get)…took me about 2 hours to remember I burnt my lip. So dumb!
Good one! I’m sure I’ve done that too! Well, the lip burning, not the cold sore freak out… that’s hilarious!
It would involve a zipper…nuff said.
Love the song!
OH NO! And now I’m picturing geeky Ben Stiller in Cameron Diaz’s bathroom…
Hilarious!!
Thanks Ann!
You are a walking menace! Remind me not to leave the house or play netball when you are!!! OUCH OUCH. xxx
You will be relieved to know that I have officially retired from netball. I’ll organise a press conference soon. x
Silliest way? I was drilling screws into the deck, lifted the drill and returned it down and began drilling into my leg! Not clever.
OH NO!!! I’ve done something similar with a kitchen knife before. Luckily just a table knife, not a proper sharpened cutting one!
I’m a ballerina compared to you! But I have infected my ears by wearing cheap bling. Have you ever fallen off a bar stool and wacked your head on the way back up?
No, no, I can’t say I have! Not that I remember anyway – the alcohol combined with the blow to the head could have wiped my memory!
This is too funny. As I’m currently sporting a dislocated tendon and some in my shoulder after fainting and hitting the concrete hard with a huge heavy bag, I’m surprised I’m finding this soo funny.
My hubby fell asleep (drunk) on the toilet once. Luckily my girls found him before any real damage was done. According to hospital stats (at one point in time) it was up there as a huge cause of head injuries and worse. lol
I’m glad you found it funny! And I hope you recover soon. That does not sound fun at all.
Oh dear! I’m glad the girls found your husband before he fell.
Fantastic! Love it. Although did bring back painful memories of getting my own skin caught in the trampoline springs! OUCH!
I still have the scar on my knee! It took ages to pry the skin loose. OW THE MEMORIES.
Very entertaining. That is probably because you’re mind is always somewhere else thinking of words words and more words.
Very true! I think you’ve found the true cause of my uncoordination. It has nothing to do with a lack of grace. Nothing at all.
I love your poem/song (and it’s hard to write in rhyming couplets 🙂 I recently slipped and fell down the stairs – wearing socks, speaking on the phone and carrying a mug of tea…it was painful to both my back, leg and dignity!
Oh no! I hope your back and leg are okay! And dignity, pffft – I gave up on that a LONG time ago!
Love it!! When I was a kid I fractured my foot stepping off the back step.. Didn’t fall down a flight of stairs, just stepped off one lonely step.
Aaargh, why is it always just one little bit of unevenness that does it? Stairs, easy! Uneven ground? Not so much.
Gosh you’re clever. Your song writing is much better than your coordination it seems! LOL! Getting your skin pinched in the trampoline springs actually made me cringe!
Thanks Aroha. Yes, I think I should just never move EVER again and stick to rewriting song lyrics for amusement. I’m sure there’s a living to be made!
OMG thats so funny. Love the netball verse !
Thanks Lisa! I feel like I’m being mean to myself – despite all appearances, I was actually a decent netballer! Just one that also spent a lot of time on the sidelines injured.
I read this this morning but phone wouldnt let me comment, but wanted to come back to say thanks for the laugh! I once ran in to a side mirror on a car and had many stictches (when I was the same height as a side mirror) and my toes and feet have taken a battering on the dancefloor too!
Thanks for coming back – I really appreciate you coming back just to comment!
Side mirror. OUCH. And dancefloors are DANGEROUS. If I ever go to a club again, I’m wearing steel-capped work boots.
Em, you should be bubble-wrapped! I was squirming for you at many of those…..OUCH!
That song is a favourite in our house, but I think your version may be even better x
Funny you should say that – when we had a funny group photo taken when I lived on campus, I had someone wrap me in bubble wrap to represent my uncoordination! I’ve still got the photo somewhere. It worked! I remained uninjured for half an hour!
Oh that tune plays on repeat here! You are a bit of a klutz hey! I’ve fallen chin first off a garbage can whilst playing basketball. Not. Smart.
OUCH. Chins. OUCH.
Oh that tune plays on repeat here! You are a bit of a klutz hey! I’ve fallen chin first off a garbage can whilst playing basketball. Not. Smart.
You and I would get along so well! I am forever hurting myself doing stupid things, to the point that Boatman has banned me from certain activities.
Also now I’m going to have that song in my head all day! Thanks for that!
You’re welcome! Yes, my retirement from netball may or may not have coincided with my husband’s complete and utter despair at a certain injury I sustained.
I love this! And yes, it’s going to be stuck in my head all day! My mum is the most unco person I know, she really shouldn’t be allowed to leave the house…
Mine too. Genes, man. I apologise to my children in advance.
haha love it! The dumbest way I have hurt myself is getting RSI in my thumb from too much texting lol!
Ah yes, so said every generation from hereon in!
this was a pretty serious injury from the dumbest thing – i spiderman scaled up a hallway kinda like this (http://youtu.be/G5dW4a5OR14). When I was up the top I slipped and fell backwards, dropping straight from the ceiling to the floor. I landed on my spine and smashed some of it. Had to have a bunch of pretty serious surgery where they removed a rib and used it for a bone graft into my spine and put some metal rods and things in there. It turns out that when you are a kid, that stuff is fine, however as an adult it really is not recommended.
OH NO! I hope you’re okay now! That’s super serious. Spiderman is not real, and is definitely not me – filing that away in my noggin for future reference.
Lol. Very funny and clever. I have had a lot of injuries in my life due to my complete lack of coordination (mostly at netball), but your poem made me think of my husband who ended up in A&E after peeling a nut and crouching down in front of a squirrel encouraging it to take the nut from his hand. The squirrel of course gave him a massive bite and off we went to hospital.
I’m sorry. I DO feel sympathetic and ouchy and all sorts of lovely things. But also… HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Very funny post Emily. I’ve been pretty good (touch wood) but hubby has a knack for hurting himself at the wrong time. Tore (as in spilt the muscle in half) his calf playing handball? with his daughter just before we went to the Sydney Olympics and had to walk around everywhere after it swelled up like a balloon. Then snapped his Achilles tendon playing volleyball! two weeks before we left for China to adopt our daughter. Oh and he also shot himself in the chest with a nail gun – a three inch nail missed his heart by only 1cm and went into his liver!
Oh no! Real handball? As in Olympic sport European handball which is actually quite rough and competitive? Or Australian tennis ball version? Either way, OW! And the Achilles tendon. AND SHOT HIMSELF?! Hmmmm. He may be my male equivalent!
ha! love “losing a toenail on the dancefloor”!! I have a stupid habit of grating my finger when I grate cheese. Lost half my knuckle once. xx
Ooh, good one. Definitely done that before. I always seem to grate a chunk of skin when grating lemon rind. Then the lemon gets in the cut… Yowsers!
Bloody hilarious! Would love to be bopping away to this at my local pub one Friday night. 🙂 My leg went straight through the deck on fathers day. I was too lazy to put dettol on it hence the 4 week infection afterwards.
It’s definitely pub-worthy. Will have to head to a gig of my brother’s and storm the stage.
Hahahaha! Sorry Em, laughing with you, not at you, of course. But that’s seriously hilarious. I’m trying to think of a dumb way I’ve hurt myself but all mine a pretty boring – maybe just opening a high kitchen cupboard, turning away, then turning back to crack my head on it. That was pretty dumb. Thanks for the laugh.
Nah, laugh at me. They’re ridiculous! Yes, those kitchen cupboards LOVE to attack!
Thanks for the laugh and making me feel more coordinated 🙂 I think I break my little toe every couple of months by banging it into something – usually the shopping trolley where it is just not cool to break down in tears or adequately express how much that hurts 🙂
Ouch. I’ve done the toe so many times that I just don’t care anymore. I love that little ‘I’m fine, I’m fine’ hop that we all do when we hurt ourselves and don’t want to admit it. No, that’s not bone sticking out, that’s just part of my sock!
See, another reason not to go camping, who knew the tent ropes were lethal!
They are VERY dangerous. (To the uncoordinated. And blind. I don’t think I had my glasses on which also didn’t help!)
Brilliant – that trampoline one actually made me flinch!
It’s funny that that’s the one making everyone flinch with the other injuries that are up there! I think it’s because we’ve all done it.
Man you are awesome. Uncoordinated but awesome xx
Thanks Rhianna! I try. Both at being coordinated (fail) and being awesome (usually also a fail but I’ll accept it this time).
YOu’re gold, Emily. I reckon I’ve done just about every single one of those things, probably more than once! I’m such an unco. In fact, just moments ago I clocked my head so hard while closing the garage door (closed it on my head, I did!) that I actually saw stars. Total unco. x
I hope the stars were pretty!! And that you’re okay. x
Oh my god, I thought I was clumsy! Actually I have done some of these too, though luckily haven’t usually injured myself. My dumbest:
– slipped on a wet floor and broke my arm
– rolled my ankle and fell over on a train platform and had to limp onto the train with a bloody knee
– getting the skin on my palms caught in the chains of swings while twisting round in them as a kid
– scraping the back of my ankle with a screen door closing behind me (numerous times)
OH NO! At least you didn’t fall OFF the train platform. Shudder.
Thank you for sharing. You’ve written an entire verse there!
My dumbest way to get hurt is by scratching the itches on the place of mosquito bite until it becomes bigger, redder and painful. 🙁
Regards,
Arnold Brame
Oh no! I think we’ve all done that – or at least thought about scratching them nonstop until they go!
Haha funny post and I love it.
Well, when I was a kid I was a tomboy and so wanted to be like my boy cousins. One day they were picking players for a friendly soccer game and me wanting to be picked I said ‘Fine, lemme show you what I can do!’ and I did exactly what you can see in this video on Youtube if you search for “MLS Best Of: Top 10 Bicycle Kicks” << sorry didn’t think it right to paste a link to it.
hahahaha and I fell right onto a sharp stone and ouch my frigging back!
OW OW OW OW OW!