I am excellent at putting myself down.
It’s the one thing I’m generally happy to admit to being good at.
I’ve known this about myself for a long time. I’ve known it in that vague way you know something about yourself without really considering it too much. I’ve known it in the same way that I know I’m tall.
But something a friend said to me last year brought it into stark relief, and I’ve been trying to stop being so hard on myself since.
This friend came to visit not long after Mitchell was born. He asked how I was going, and I said okay, and then listed all the things that weren’t going that well. But not that simply – it’s hard to explain, but I didn’t just talk about the obvious things like sleep deprivation and balancing the needs of two children. I listed all the things that, in my head, I wasn’t doing that well. Not us as a family, not us as parents, but me. Just me.
Sure, exhaustion played a part in this too. But I also just couldn’t see much that was positive about how I was handling things. About what I was doing. About me. Just me.
He parried. He listed some things that I was doing well. I shot them down, turned them on their heads or made jokes of them.
And after some back and forth, he said this: “Sometimes it’s exhausting having a conversation with you, Em.”
It hit me. Hard. Not in a ‘How could you kick me when I’m down?’ kind of way, but in an ‘Oh my goodness you’re right, and I know you’re right, and what am I DOING?’ kind of way.
I could psychoanalyse the reasons forever. I know the main reason. There was (is) someone in my life who was so intent on tearing me down for so long that I got into the habit of doing it first. If you make the obvious joke, highlight the bad news or downplay the good news first, then they’ve got nowhere to go, right?
Think Eminem in 8 Mile. He raps his own hard luck story in the rap battle final, leaving his competitor nothing left to attack him with, and emerges the victor.
But it doesn’t work so well in real life. The competition doesn’t end, and no trophy is given. You tear yourself down, and people just nod and believe it.
You tear yourself down, and you just nod and believe it.
The real problem is, once you start, the habit is hard to break. Telling jokes about yourself, downplaying your successes and not giving yourself credit when its due become things that you do. They become part of your identity.
You continue to believe it.
Anyway. I know all of that. I know (most of the reason) why I do it. And I’ve known since I had this conversation with a friend more than a year ago. If I’m honest with myself, I’ve known longer than that. No need to pay for therapy.
Now… to break the habit.
*crickets*
Any suggestions?
Do you remember Stuart Smalley on “Saturday Night Live?”
Maybe you should practice this…it’s probably very true!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DIETlxquzY
Hadn’t seen this before. Thank you – love it!
I know all about this – I am a Virgo – we’re good at this!
What a lovely friend, to have pointed this out to you.
No ideas on how to stop but I will be following in case a great one is offered.
He is wonderful. I will be in touch with any fantastic ideas.
it’s hard to change something that we have been doing for a long time, isn’t it? My thoughts are for every time you think of one negative thought, think of two positive thoughts. Let the good outweigh the bad so to speak. Good luck with it!
Great approach – thank you!
I don’t know Em. I use to have a lot of self-doubt and then I realised I was in my mid thirties and life was ticking away. The old saying, “Life is too short” rings true for me. Life IS too short to not be the best you can be. Working towards goals works for me and also celebrating the wins, and not getting hooked up on the losses. x
Celebrating and goals. Absolutely – thanks Jodi.
I read a post by Zen Habits blogger Leo Babauto recently where he said that all the stuff in your head was pure fantasy. Completely disconnected from reality. Any worries you had about something that may or not happen, May or may not be, or that you may or may not be doing well/right etc. You have to get out of the fantasy world and just live in the real world. The world as it is, not as it is in your head. I thought it was interesting.
That IS interesting! I’ll be tracking it down – thanks for the lead. And yes – so many of my anxieties and issues are things I’m imagining happening down the track. Silly, silly, silly.
I think I’ve got better but I’m a shocker at taking compliments on my appearance. It’s a hard one and I often wish I had the confidence hubby has, I call him my brick he’s so tough. xx
Tough as a brick – love the new metaphor. Compliments I’ll accept graciously. Believing them is another matter.
I’m good at this too. I’m working on it though. It’s about changing that core belief, that little subconscious thought that kicks in without you even having to do anything!
It’s funny – it didn’t take long to train myself to come out with the self-deprecating remark. It’s taking a long time to train myself out of it, though.
Totally can relate to your post Em, I always thought that when I put myself down in that self deprecating way that it was the best to endear myself to others, and then I started thinking in that way too.
Thanks Kenny x
Great post. As with anything, admitting the problem is the best step. The rest is repetition and maintained awareness. Maybe put a morning mantra on your bathroom mirror, or a lovely quote somewhere that gives you a constant reminder to keep going. Kelly Exeter is great with these prints and now I want to read her new book too.
Well done, you x #teamIBOT
You’re an absolute dear. Thank you.
Do read Kelly’s book. It’s great. You can borrow mine if you want (HINT LET’S MEET UP AGAIN HINT). x
This is me Em. One hundred percent.
I’m currently working on telling myself that those things aren’t true; I don’t suck, I’m not useless, blah blah blah. And then say something that is true. But it’s hard work some days. Like doing battle with yourself.
I’ll reiterate it for you. You don’t suck, you’re not useless. I’ll go better: you rock, and you’re amazingly useful!! x
OK, I don’t want to be “that” person that suggests a hippy woo-woo new age book… But I’m gonna suggest it. I had a major epiphany with this negative thinking stuff when I had to read a copy of You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay for work. It looked like an absolute load of bollocks, to be honest, but the it hit me, WHAM. That moment where something just makes the most perfect sense. It honestly changed the way I think and the way I see myself. Highly recommend it.
Thank you for being ‘that’ person! On hold at the library.
I am very much like you Em – it is somehow a shame that they don’t make Olympic medals for ‘knocking oneself down’. Intellectually I pull myself up on my self-judgements, but emotions get in the way of my intelligence and my heart. Good luck as you try to get on top of those judgements for yourself.
Thanks. Interesting I’m finding like-minded people in blogging. Perhaps blogging is therapeutic?
I hear you! Me too! Nothing is ever good enough for that Mr Inner Critic that lives in my head. I just thank Mr Critic for his unhelpful observations these days and he is slowly losing some power. x
Let’s kick Mr Critic to the kerb! KAPOW!
Oh wow “You tear yourself down, and you just nod and believe it.” Now that is a song I know well. As for the answers I have none as I am always putting myself down you know just to get in first in case anyone else wants to have a go. I am all for breaking that habit hun xx
It’s like a race to the put-down, but you’re actually the only one racing! Thanks for helping with the perfect analogy!
I was so sure that I commented on this post!
I basically said that someone (I think it was Emily from Have a laugh on me) said that every time we berate ourselves we should think, “Would I say that to my friend? Would I treat my friend that way?” Of course we wouldn’t so why should we do it to ourselves?
Sorry for the missing comment. That does sound like something Em would say. Such a clever clogs!
I advise that awareness is the first step.
You cannot change without being aware of the need to change. You have developed this awareness, so congratulations. Seriously! Applaud yourself for being aware.
Next, each time you catch yourself in this thought loop, mentally hop off it. Imagine it a train, and get off at the next station. Tell yourself this thought is unhelpful and give yourself something else to think about.
As you say, it is a habit so it will take A LONG TIME to change these thoughts. You, though have started, so you can and are changing. Well done. Again, congratulate yourself. Always.
Thanks Sarah. *applauds self self-consciously*
I gosh, I suppose I’m much the same here, so not the best person to be offering advice. A support group maybe?
I’m a huge fan of replacing one bad habit with another. In this case I suppose we could replace being overly negative on our selves with being super positive. How annoying would that be?