My career means a lot to me.
Just thought I’d get that out there so there’s no confusion.
Start warning: I’m exorcising a demon today. Something grrrrr-inducing and toxic that’s been rattling around inside me for longer than it should have. Ranty pants are on. Click away now if they’re not what you want to see.
End warning.
Start rant: I’m a stay-at-home mum. I do some work here and there, bits and bobs that float my way, but I’m first and foremost a mum, and anyone who works with me understands that. I’ve scheduled phone interviews around the kids’ naps, stayed up all hours to work, and even brought the kids to corporate board rooms for meetings.
When I was pregnant with Ashleigh, people used to ask how long I’d stay at home. And, not having been particularly clucky at any stage of my life, nor having been particularly brilliant at relating to kids, I used to respond with something along the lines of this: I’ve never had one of these baby things before, but I imagine I’ll be climbing the walls in frustration by the six-month mark, itching to get back to work.
But then I had one of those baby things and lost myself to motherhood. Totally and completely lost myself. I’ve since found myself. An altered self, but essentially the same self. But a self that has surprised me. A self that has decided to stay at home with the kids.
Four years since I stopped working full-time in the corporate world, I’m still at home with my almost-four-year-old and my one-year-old.
I’m at peace with that. But something still niggles.
It’s not the lack of career. It’s not the concern about the gap in my resume, or a worry about finding work when I’m ready to return to the world of wearing suits, attending meetings and actioning actions (and verbing nouns).
It’s a comment. A single comment made two years ago by someone I barely know.
I was at a party, talking to a friend of a friend. His wife was pregnant with their second child, and he mentioned that she was about to finish work. He was talking about child care, his worries about juggling two children, and when he thought his wife might again return to work. He then asked what I did.
When I said that I was still at home with Ashleigh, there was a pause (which I’m used to). Then came the bit I’m not used to: he said, “Oh. I guess my wife’s career means more to her than yours does to you.”
It might seem like a nothing sentence, and even as I read it now, I feel like I’ve blown it out of proportion. But it stung. It really stung. I didn’t feel the need to jump immediately to my defence (I may have been too busy collecting my jaw from the floor), but a friend of mine who was having a (completely separate) conversation nearby immediately spun around and said, “Oh, mate, if you think that then you don’t know Em at ALL.”
The friend of a friend laughed awkwardly and things went quiet. We then moved onto another topic and nothing more was said about it. And I doubt that he’s given it a second thought since. In fact, I’m sure that if he read this blog post, he wouldn’t recognise himself.
But I have given it a second thought. And a third, fourth and fifth. Obviously. Two years later, and I’m writing a blog post about it.
I’m annoyed because I feel like it shouldn’t annoy me, that I should rise above it. (And yes, I know how little sense that makes.) I’m annoyed because that’s a huge assumption to make about someone. I’m annoyed because if I had said the opposite thing – that I guess my children mean more to me than hers do to her – he would (quite rightly) have been offended and put me in my place. I’m annoyed because if I had put another spin on it – perhaps that I was more confident in my ability to find the work I wanted to do when I decided to return to work – he would again (quite rightly) have been offended on his wife’s behalf.
Why is it okay to make judgments about, and comparisons to, other people’s decisions? Why is it especially okay in regards to family and children?
Why must we pass comment?
I’ve been thinking about why this statement annoyed me. I’ve asked myself to be brutally honest and admit if it’s because it struck a nerve. But it’s not.
This statement didn’t annoy me because I wish I had my full-time corporate career back, or because the stay-at-home life is wearing me down. Not yet, anyway, and certainly not two years ago.
It annoyed me because of how flippant it was. Oh, you’re still at home? You don’t care about work then. Dismissed.
It can’t be that you’ve sat down and considered the options. It can’t be that you have decided that you can build a career at any time, but that you know yourself well enough to understand that in ten years’ time, you would personally regret missing these early years more than you would regret missing out on any career progression that may have happened.
It can’t be that you realise how privileged you are to even be able to make this decision when others are forced to go back to work just to survive and provide for their children.
It must mean that you just don’t want to work.
My career means a lot to me. I have ambitions, goals and dreams. There are things I want to achieve. There are things I was on the way to achieving when I took my ‘baby break’. I am confident that I will achieve these things.
To paraphrase Dr Seuss, I have brains in my head. I have feet in my shoes. I will steer myself any direction I choose.
My family means a lot to me. I have surprised myself with how much I’ve enjoyed being home, and how important that decision to stay at home has become to me. I’ve learnt things about myself. I’ve discovered patience I never knew I had.
And I know that patience has a limit. I will not be at home forever. But that doesn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter. None of this should matter.
These are my decisions. Our family’s decisions. Other people and other families make other decisions. Other people and other families have decisions made for them through circumstance.
I do not think that any one person is more or less committed to their career than I am. I do not think that any one person is more or less committed to their family than I am.
Do what is right for you. I just hope that what is right for you includes not judging others for what is right for them.
Enough with the mummy wars, the parenting wars, the judgy wars, the anything wars. Just. Stop.
End rant.
And… deep breath. Sorry about that. What’s gotten you fired up lately? Or two years ago?
I’m not so sure that he wasn’t thinking that he wished his wife would postpone her career for a few more years before going back to work. That he wished his wife didn’t place more importance in getting back to work and spend more time as a full time mother, that he wished his wife had enough confidence in herself that she could stay away from work until she and the children were ready just as you have.
Probably not, but it could be.
I don’t think so, and I don’t think that would make it any better. But maybe. You never know what’s going on in some people’s minds!
I haven’t been in that situation (not having kids) but I know exactly what you mean. I, and I ALONE, will decide what my priority is right now. It may be work. It may be health. It may be my business. Whatever it is, I am the sole person who has the right to choose and judge myself on it.
As great as work can be, as necessary as work can be, it is only work. When I was in grade 11 or 12, my legal studies teacher ‘warned’ us about a career. She asked us what we will be happy about on our deathbed: the extra promotion at work, or being surrounded by loved ones. I know it’s a cliche thing, but I had never heard it before then, and I have never forgotten it. I may not want kids, but I also know I want to live a life on my terms, no one else’s.
So I am fully, passionately with you on this one. And I think it’s good you let it out.
Thanks Vanessa. I really appreciate this. Good on your LS teacher. Five stars.
I think people talk with out thinking. I think people listen to others without really hearing what is said. I’m sure if he was listening he would of heard how much you loved your career. It is a shame that one cancels out the other. Why is it impossible to love your career AND your children? Why is it impossible to want to do both equally well?
I’ve just signed up to do the Forgiveness Challenge, because there are so many flippant remarks that have been said to me that still hurt like this years later. I need to let go of this pain. I hope that thorough your writing that you are able to let this comment go. You know that you have made the right decision for you and your children. And that that decision holds no judgement on others decisions. xS
Absolutely people talk without thinking. It’s just sad that this is what comes out without a filter.
The Forgiveness Challenge sounds fantastic. Will have to check it out.
That’s the thing, isn’t it – that people just open their mouths and let words dribble out before putting their brain in gear. And people may say they’re just words but they can hurt – as is in clear evidence here.
When I returned to work after my second child, I met a guy who had started in my office while I was on mat leave. I was introduced to him and it was explained I was returning after having a baby. We talked about babies for a bit and he told me his wife was home looking after his two kids. He asked me how old my son was. I replied 9 months. And he said – get this – “If you want to work so much, you’ve got to wonder why you bothered having a baby at all.”
Wha?
Some people feel incredibly overqualified to pass judgement and comment on the choices of others, and it applies across all life choices, not just babies. But I think we’re especially sensitive about the choices we make around our children because we all want to do the right thing by them, don’t we?
And of course the answer is that what is right for us is generally right for our children and people who want to judge us can get rooted.
Yep, they can hurt. And those ‘just words’ still have to come from somewhere.
AND WHAT? That’s appalling. I’m outraged on your behalf. I’m willing to bet no man returning to work soon after their baby’s birth has ever heard a statement like that!
I am baffled by the number of people who feel qualified to judge others for their work/parenting/family choices. It’s no one else’s business. Period. So keep your opinions to yourself, friend of a friend who should have known better! Nice rant, Em.
Thanks Denise! Yes, back off friend of a friend. That line actually made me giggle.
Oh Em… *takes a breath with you*… I don’t think you’re over-reacting at all. (Three cheers for eavesdropping mates though!) I laughed at your suggestion of turning the tables and now I am forearmed with my wake up comment for idiots: Hmmm, I’m not sure if you’d like me assuming that ….. so how about you give those sorts of things more thought in future”- and I mean it, because apart from two disastrous attempts at returning to adland (yes it is blogged), I have on the whole been a SAHM or on-hand mum and wife to the travelling husband for FIFTEEN YEARS. Not entirely my choice. And yes, it’s frightening when I look at it that way. xx
YES. THREE CHEERS. He’s a bloody legend. And adland. Sigh. I hope you find your creative outlet in a more family-friendly environment. x
I can completely relate to this. I committed career suicide and resigned when I was pregnant with P1. For reasons I cant go into here I knew I could not balance motherhood with a stockbroking career that involved deadlines and 14 hour days. Yes I feel inadequate when compared to women that have succeeded in doing it all but I am tremendously lucky that I was financially able to take several years out. When it comes down to it I did not want my career enough to make the necessary sacrifices. I am cool with admitting that.
Inadequate? Hardly. I think ‘doing it all’ and ‘having it all’ are myths anyway. There’s always something compromised.
Aww Emily, I just love your heart. What a beautiful mum you are. I don’t think people will ever stop judging. We’re judged for going back to work too soon or not going back at all. You are right, everyone is different as is their circumstance. But it’s funny because work was important to me too and then when I had a few curve balls thrown at me, I was forced to stay at home and you know what? I’ve loved it. I was talking to a close friend who just got a promotion and she is wanting to have a second child and she has been talking to HR to work out when the best time is. Sometimes we can take the career thing a bit too extreme as well and having a baby shouldn’t be up to HR, it should be up to you and your partner. Anyway, this post was a great rant and it resonated with me all too well. x
Thanks Rebecca. Lovely comment. I had just started a new job when I fell pregnant with Ashleigh. We could have waited, or stopped trying so that I could qualify for mat leave, but we wanted a baby.
I can’t imagine letting a HR department decide when it’s ok to have a kid!!! Oh wow…people do that?!!!!
He was very rude – but maybe Joe was right, maybe he was thinking more about his own wife and judging HER… Does that make it better? Not really!
I know exactly what you mean by this post – I had two people say something very rude or thoughtless about my choices when my kids were babies. One was a colleague I let fly at and he apologised. He admitted he hadn’t really thought about things before speaking, and I liked that he said that. The other was a friend of a friend so I didn’t feel able to get into it too much, but her comment really stung me and angered me and simmered away for years until I wrote a post about it and got it off my chest!
Like I said to Joe, I honestly don’t think so. And no, it doesn’t make it better! Good on you for letting fly at your colleague. I wish I’d let fly. Maybe it’s the ‘friend of a friend’ thing. We don’t want to rock the boat!
Indeed you do have brains in your head, and feet in your shoes, but that guy? He clearly just had feet in his shoes, and feet in his head. Douchebag. I’d like to smack him one. For being one of many douchebags who have big mouths and go around making people feel like rubbish for making valid, considered, legitimate choices, while they have likely just landed PLOP wherever they are in their lives entirely by chance, yet congratulate themselves for it each and every day. SMACK!
I’m back in the office and living with the guilt daily. I feel desperately sad for that douchebag’s wife. xx
Feet in his head. I like it! And hugs. Guilt is everywhere in every parenting decision ever.
Wow I would have lost my shiz and said exactly what you thought, later, that unlike some mums I wanted to be around for my kid’s formative years…. But sometimes it’s just not worth it. And you know some mums can’t be there at home with their kids when they are young, or maybe they don’t want to be, or whatever, it doesn’t matter what the circumstance it’s not our place to judge I know. I’m fortunate to have work every single week since having kids, but it’s also been a curse, as I never get a break. But it’s a catch 22 isn’t it! Love your (reasonably retrained) rant! xx
Juggling. So many things. It’s exhausting, isn’t it? No matter which way you approach it. x
Some people just do not think, do they?! Grrr!!! I’ve been in these situations before. People have made certain comments about me sending the kids to daycare, while others comment on the fact that I’m ‘still’ only part time. You can’t win either way. I always feel the need to explain myself and my decision which is frustrating because I shouldn’t have to. We do what is right for us. Keep doing what’s right for you, Emily. I love the fact that you love being a SAHM. I love that you are confident that you can get any job when you want to return to work AND I love your patience … oh and your grace when under a stressful situation!!! xx 🙂
It’s a negative sum game sometimes! No, you shouldn’t have to. And thank you. This is such a lovely comment.
Every person has different values and makes different choices for all sorts of reasons. It was a flippant comment but I think you’ve processed it in a healthy way – as long as you are comfortable that this is the right choice for you and your family, that’s all that matters, no matter how many thoughtless comments are directed your way. I hope this has been a cathartic post for you Emily!
It has been! I feel cleansed!
Ouch! I’m not surprised that comment at the party stung. What a thoughtless thing to say. A related thing that has gotten my goat recently is when people ask my partner what he does professionally and they don’t bother to ask me, presuming that I am “just at home” with the baby. And while that would be a completely valid choice, I’m also studying for my PhD (which I was also doing before I had my baby). But they (usually men, sorry) tend to presume I didn’t have any professional interests before having my baby, and that I have no other interests now.
Oooh yes, that’s very unfun. And very common, unfortunately.
Frickin’ I could so hug you right now!!! I LOOOOOOVE this pos, Emt!!! Those comments just stick, don’t they? I totally get that. And goof for your friend to set that other guy straight.
People automatically assume that if you’ve chosen to be a stay at home mum, you’re obviously not an ambitious person or have set goals. Screw that!!!
The sad thing is, sometimes other mothers judge other mothers…and that to me, is worse than a clueless (so clueless he doesn’t realise he’s being sexist) male. It’s that whole everyone at war with each other again. It all needs to stop!
Yay for Grace hugs! (Especially now that I’ve actually had a real life one!) And yes to everything you’ve said.
I totally understand your frustration! I would have said all those things you didn’t say. 😛
After reading a bit further though I wondered if maybe that man and his wife had talked about her staying at home and he was sort of trying to justify why she was going back? Maybe he had wanted her to stay at home with them or something and she had been thinking of all the reasons why she should go back, and so he was justifying her as he felt guilty himself? Who knows!?!
It is definitely not our place to comment on other people’s decisions. I’m a SAHM too, and I love my “job” of raising my children and take it very seriously. I don’t want to judge others who choose something different to me. 🙂
Again, I don’t think so (but I can understand why people are suggesting it – I have the context of the rest of the conversation and of hearing about and seeing this person through the mutual friend) but that absolutely still wouldn’t justify the comment to me.
Glad you love your job! No inverted commas necessary.
Good rant, and justified. Suspend judgement – all of us. I reckon males have even less right to judge or question than females because they are usually not the ones being judged for their parenting choices.
EXCELLENT point. Well said.
Well said lovely, having been a stay at home mum for 8 years I have battled greatly with people and their ridiculous comments. Wouldn’t it be nice if there was no judgement
And now I have the Beach Boys in my head! Wouldn’t it be nice if there was no judgment, we could make decisions that suited us…
There might be a song rewrite in this! Thanks!
Bloody well said Emily!!!
I’ve at the point now where Ava is almost at Kindy so people are asking me what I will do. Seeing as I was 19 when I was preggers with Taylah, I don’t have a career or even job to go back into. At 31 (or I suppose 32 when it happens) I’ll be starting from scratch. That sounds terrifying even to me, but would I trade in the last 11 years? Not for anything in the world.
Thank you lovely. (And if I may, with four kids to run around after, I don’t think there needs to be any assumption that you will hightail it straight back to work! But good luck if that’s what you do. x)
I think you hit the nail on the head in pinpointing the thing that probably stung the most – the dismissiveness of the comment. And how, in being dismissive, he made many,many judgements.
I won’t lie – I’ve been guilty of this myself in the past. It’s only since having kids that I’ve come to realise that very little is as it appears at first glance, so many any judgement of anyone’s situation is pointless (and usually insulting to them!)
Yes, thank you. The dismissiveness did make judgments – more than he made with his words.
This is my first time here but am a huge fan of Maxabella (kind of love actually). Can I tell you firstly how easy your writing is to read? It’s just amazing. Plus, it made me think. We are so busy comparing lives, justifying lives that none of us just take the time out to say ‘you know what, you do what ever it is that makes YOU happy’. Obviously this is still bound by what we as a family can afford but it really does come down to, as a Mum, what it is that you want to do. Because the beauty being, none of us the same. Thanks so much for this. xx Bern
Thank you so much! What a lovely thing to share. This comment means a lot to me.
Oh Em! I have been meaning to come back all week and comment after I read this on my phone Sunday night. I can totally get why this comment would be bugging you years later as I have a similar bug in my bonnet but I am at the other end of the spectrum. I started working from home 2 weeks after my baby was born… not because I was a devout career woman, but out of neccesity. I had someone at a mother group say to me when they found out that I was working “Wow, can you not put your baby first for a while”. OMG I WAS putting my baby first… I was working freaking hard FOR MY BABY. That stung 12 years ago and it still stings and I never ever went to another mothers group again for fear of being judged. xx
Thank you for coming back! And your story bugs me just as much. That’s a disgusting thing to say. To anyone. Friend, family, stranger – it doesn’t matter. No wonder you didn’t go back.
What a wanker. And Son’s wanker too. Some people have no idea how to talk to other people. Prejudices spewing out of their mouths without consideration nor filter.
Which is precisely why we need to listen to ourselves, not other people / wankers. x
Absolutely positively 100%ly YES. Hopefully other people (wankers) don’t drown us out.