Don’t get me wrong. Some people are judging you.
But not everyone. Not even most people.
When you’re a mum (or simply a parent – according to my main source of male parenthood, fathers are not immune), there are so many conflicting views. So many different approaches, so many different theories, and so much to learn.
So. Very. Much. To. Learn.
Every child is different. Every child needs different things. And you have to find what those things are.
Naturally, you seek some advice. From trusted sources, experts, health professionals. From friends and family.
But you also receive advice. Often. From anyone. And everyone. Without asking for it.
You also hear reactions and comments from people when they learn what you are doing.
It can become frustrating as you add people’s observations, suggestions and prejudices to your own exhaustion, doubts and second-guesses.
BUT.
When you’re in this state, and already feeling insecure and defensive about what you’re doing, you can be quick to hear judgement where none actually exists.
Quick to defend your position – vehemently – to a confused and startled person who hadn’t attacked you in the first place.
A confused and startled person who had simply responded to what you said.
Some examples:
—
They say: You’re not doing a dreamfeed? I found my child needed a dreamfeed to sleep through the night.
They mean: Exactly that. Their child needed a dreamfeed.
You hear: Are you KIDDING? You’re NOT giving your child a dreamfeed? You are NOT fit to raise a child! HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF?!
They say: He sleeps HOW long? Mine never slept that long during the day!
They mean: Exactly that. They can’t believe how long your child sleeps, as their child didn’t sleep that much.
You hear: Are you KIDDING? You’re letting your child sleep for HOW LONG during the day? You are NOT fit to raise a child! HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF?!
They say: Oh. That’s interesting. I’ve never heard of that approach.
They mean: Exactly that. They’ve never heard of your approach, and they find it interesting.
You hear: Are you KIDDING? You’re doing WHAT? You are NOT fit to raise a child! HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF?!
—
When you’re judging yourself, it’s easy to assume that everyone else is judging you too.
Some people do. Most people don’t.
Take a deep breath. Listen to the actual words being spoken.
And if the actual words are more like this?
—
They say: Well, I did/didn’t do that and my kids turned out just fine, thank you very much.
They mean: I can’t BELIEVE you are not/are doing that. Are you KIDDING? You are NOT fit to raise a child! HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF?!
You hear: Exactly that.
—
Just smile, nod, and change the subject.
Why?
Because they’ve just heard this:
—
You said: I’m taking [this] approach to raising my child.
You meant: Exactly that.
They heard: I’m doing the OPPOSITE of what you did. I can’t BELIEVE you did things any other way. You are NOT fit to raise a child! HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF?!
—
Are you quick to hear judgement in the words of others? If not, any tips for de-stressing?
Never heard of dreamfeed and my four seem just fine.
You forgot the ‘thank you very much’ 😉
Yes yes yes yes! Fantastic post and you know doesn’t just apply to new mums either, even with older kids it is important to keep this in perspective.
Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses #teamIBOT
Thanks Rhianna. It’s taken me almost three years of usually jumping to the wrong conclusion to realise this, but I got there!
Exactly. There’s much consternation and gnashing of teeth in “mummy” circles about “judgement”. I believe that most people are too busy working out their own lives to waste brain power judging everybody else’s.
Great post.
Absolutely. I know I’m too busy trying to keep my eyes open to worry about what other mums are doing!
And sometimes they’re just insanely bitter because their kid was never as good a sleeper/eater/whatever as yours and it’s not about YOU at all! 🙂 But I think you’re 100% right – it’s easy to assume everyone is judging you when you are judging yourself (or others!). Great one Em! -Aroha (#teamIBOT)
Thanks! I don’t think anyone will ever judge me as harshly as I judge myself anyway, so I’m learning to let it all go!
We mothers are terrible at judging others, I am bad at it and constantly trying to change my thought process. We need to let others parent the way they see fit without seeing it as a judgement upon ourselves. Great post!
That’s interesting. Perhaps we see judgement everywhere because we’re judging others and assume they are too? You’re making me think!
Ha too true Em! And great advice. I’m trying, still, to follow it as I’m still busily judging myself and hearing criticism in benign words. Taking down the stress a notch seems to be key in dialing down the critique stereo. Answers? I have none, unless you own a bath. If yes? Full it with bubbles, light the candles, and dive in.
I do own a bath. I will fill it with bubbles. I own no candles. I will bath in the dark. In the park. With trees of bark. And read less Dr Seuss. x
This is so true! We are our own worst enemies sometimes.
Sometimes. Often!
This is a great post Emily and oh so true! Its so easy to jump on the defence and to see offence where none is meant, and vice versa.
#teamIBOT was here!
Especially during that vulnerable new parent stage!
I totally agree!
Yesterday we were next in the Target check-out queue and my middle son was CRACKING the biggest tantrum because I said no to a lollipop, and the couple ahead of me went to their check out woman, I waited for my turn, and as I went I heard the check-out woman for the older couple say “I’m glad I got you and not THAT woman”!
I turned to her, looked her in the eye and said VERY loudly, “Really? isn’t that a bit rude?”
Great post Em x
Em xxx
How rude! I’d like to reply, “Well, I’m glad I got a polite checkout person and not YOU!” But probably wouldn’t. Would probably just go red and mumble something and burst into tears.
What an insightful post, Em!
I used to think everyone was judging me…big time. But someone the other day pointed out what you have in this post – it’s not them judging me, I’m judging myself.
Gosh, you’re a wise chook 🙂 x
Insightful! Wise chook! You’ve just cheered me up so much! Cluck cluck.
Oh I love this post Emily! I think you have just nailed mother hood, and every play group conversation on the head.
Thanks, Jess. Being married to a builder had to rub off on me sometime. (Get it? Builder? Nailed? Oh dear.)
Thanks for entering your post in the DP Blog Carnival!
Thanks for hosting it!
So I learnt my lesson when I was talking about my hours at work (and my son was in Daycare – and this guy said “Wow, that’s a really long day!” I very quickly jumped in with how while I was at work by 7, my son didn’t get dropped off by my partner til 9 and then I got there about 5.15, so it was really as short as we could manage – he then interrupted me and said “I actually meant for you, it’s a long day for you”. I suddenly realised I probably projected judgement everywhere I went…
Haha, yep, that’ll do it! Thanks for sharing.
I cheated and had perfect children! That aside, I may have said it out loud more than once, but bad parenting ensures independent, self reliant children. Mine are 1 and 2 now and if I continue on my current path they should be cooking dinner and earning a wage shortly. And if bad parenting is just bad parenting – don’t tell me. I’ve convinced myself and it seems to be working for us 🙂
Oh man, why didn’t I think of that? You’ve got it made!
This is so true – I’m sharing this post. I’m one of these paranoid people who always think other mums are judging me, when really I know they are not! (mostly). It’s good to remind ourselves with posts like these 🙂
Thanks for sharing it around! Like I said, it’s taken me a while to learn this lesson.
Visiting courtesy of the Blog Carnival and LOVE this post. I love the content but also the way you have written it. It flows so well and I can relate to many of these scenarios. I had 3 children in less than 3 years and I think parenting (and motherhood) is such hard work. It’s such a shame that there’s so much judgement and comparison. I have learnt to distance myself from my inner critic and those around me. Great post!
Thank you! I need to put a LOT more distance between me and my inner critic. But I recognise her work now, so we’re on the way!
SOME people need to THINK before they SPEAK and learn to keep their opinions to themselves 😉 Visiting today for the DPBC. X