I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I can’t settle Mitchell quickly.
I’m sorry he likes to be held. I’m sorry I can’t do as much with Ashleigh when I’m holding him.
I’m sorry I use the pram to settle him as much as I do. I’m sorry he’s not learning to sleep in the cot.
I’m sorry he cries a lot. I’m sorry I don’t always know why. I’m sorry I can’t make him feel better. I’m sorry my heart breaks a little more every time I see that bottom lip tremble and know he’s about to unleash the cry that pierces my skin.
I’m sorry I can’t give Ashleigh the attention I used to. I’m sorry that I can’t even give her half the attention I used to.
I’m sorry I don’t give Mitchell the attention I gave Ashleigh at this stage. I’m sorry that I can’t even give him half the attention she used to get.
I’m sorry I’m missing one-on-one opportunities with Ashleigh. I’m sorry the words she hears most often from me are shhhhh, not today, I just need to feed Mitchell, sorry sweetie, Mitchell’s sleeping, and we have to stay home. I’m sorry our relationship seems to be suffering. I’m sorry she prefers to spend time with other people than with me.
I’m sorry I’m so tired. I’m sorry my temper is so short. I’m sorry I burst into tears at the slightest provocation.
I’m sorry I can’t cook a varied, healthy and interesting range of foods for us all to eat as a family. I’m sorry I’ve neglected the washing recently. I’m sorry the floor is dirty, the house is messy, and the beds aren’t made.
I’m sorry I want my husband to leave later in the mornings. I’m sorry I want him home earlier at nights.
I’m sorry I expect so much of him. I’m sorry I expect so much of myself.
I’m sorry I’m sorry. I’m sorry I cave in to the mother guilt I load upon myself.
I’m sorry I’m nervous about hitting ‘publish’ on this post. I’m sorry it’s been sitting in my drafts folder for a month. I’m sorry I’m embarrassed to be seen to be struggling sometimes.
I’m sorry I can’t be the ‘perfect’ mother I seem to expect myself to be.
I’m sorry.
Quick note: I’m okay. These are thoughts I’ve had since Mitchell was born – usually it’s one or two at a time. Rarely (but sometimes) do I have them all at once! And as I wrote above, I’ve been sitting on this post for a month, and things are getting better all the time (thanks to The Beatles for the earworm).
I publish this post not in a bid to seek sympathy, but to show what it can be like when we bring a newborn home. It is difficult. It is exhausting. But there’s often an unacknowledged expectation that you’ll not only cope, but cope well, and simply glow with the love and pride you feel for your newborn.
I am glowing with love and pride. For my newborn, my toddler, my husband and our little family. But sometimes it’s buried beneath layers of guilt, doubts and second-guessing.
Enough of that. Any tips on settling a bub down for a nap during the day? One who settles down well enough after feeds at night but just doesn’t seem to want sleep between 8am and 8pm unless he’s in the pram or the car seat, or snuggled against your chest?
Some “experts” will say just let him cry and he will finally nap.
I hate experts! You are the only expert of your baby…you’ll find a way.
That’s all I’ve got…sorry.
I will find a way. Absolutely. Thank you x
Hang in there, pretty soon they will be bigger and fighting over some stupid toy and you will be tearing your hair out wishing they were tiny babies again!!
You can only do what you can do some days. I remember having some great days and some real awful ones early on and I am sure third time around will be exactly the same. I cling to the good and kiss goodbye to the bad.
Clinging hard to the good at the moment! Ashleigh turned three recently and I just can’t believe how fast it’s gone. I’m sure it will fly with Mitchell as well!
You are doing a great job by the sound of it. Years ago women had their ‘village’ around to help and support them. Remember to follow your instincts and if it works for you , it is okay.
Thanks, Trish. It’s continued getting better even since I hit publish!
A long time ago, I had a very easy first baby and then a couple of years later, a not so easy second baby. In truth, the second baby was probably closer to the norm, but he seemed so difficult- I couldn’t just leave him playing under the toy-dangler until he fell asleep and then throw a blanket over him like I could with the first baby. Time passed, we all got to know each other better, life went on, it got easier. Hang in there!
Thank you. And yes, I’m trying very hard not to compare Mitchell to how Ashleigh was, but you can’t help it, can you? Thanks for the support.
I like your disclaimer, I often feel like when I put all my insecurites down, it is like I am over the edge. But they are different thoughts at different times. Mothers guilt needs to be kicked to the sideline!
It does! The worst part is the feeling guilty for feeling guilty part. RIDICULOUS!
Music…crank it up. Get him use to it during wake time and keep it up for nap time. Maybe not too loud though. And it will have a calming effect for all
You’ll love this – he fell asleep (and stayed asleep) to the musical delights of John Lennon the other day. I’ll be trying some Beatles albums next time. x
Em, sending you big hugs. I know you’re over the hardest part and all is good. You’re doing a great job. You’ve articulated what I’ve gone through many, I mean MANY a time! (And still do!) xxx
Thanks Grace. Feeling okay, just wish I could turn off the brain sometimes!
I think you need to try to cut yourself some slack (this is coming from someone who only has one child so please realise I am only offering advice I think is useful and not something I have actually tried out !!!)
I would imagine that all Moms come home with a newborn baby having grown from a family of three to a family of four would feel the same as you. Yes, you can’t spend the same amount of time with A that you used and yes, you spent more time at that age with A than you do with M – but that is how it is. It is not that you are doing anything wrong – it is just different. The dynamics of your family are different so I think you are being a little unfair on yourself thinking that everything should be the same as it was the first time around.
Its hard to get rid of the guilt (and I know because it’s taken me years and years !!!) but honestly, one thing you can do is acknowledge that things are different and that it is OK for them to be different. That time has passed it is time for something different AND THAT IS OK !
Love, hugs and positive energy !
Me
Thank you. Totally agree – when the thoughts come, I tell myself I’m doing okay. Well, in fact. We’re okay.
But that’s afterwards. The thoughts still come! And always will to some extent, I think. All that responsibility for two gorgeous little people who own my heart – I’ll always wonder if I’m doing a good job!
don’t be hard on yourself. you are doing your best. i know how hard it is. i struggled for so long and still do. sometimes it’s just good to get it all out.
Absolutely. Hitting ‘publish’ was scary but also quite therapeutic!
I’m really glad you wrote this, although I’m sure it is so hard for you right now, it will be a good reassurance for me when number two comes along that everybody struggles, and that is ok!! X Karen #teamIBOT
Thank you! x
LOVE this post. It is so familiar to me, I feel like you’ve read my mind. I have recently been a mum to a toddler and newborn. They are now seven months and almost three. It can be HARD and an adjustment for all including your toddler who has been knocked out of the limelight. What I did with my bub when she wouldn’t sleep during the day and when I so desperately wanted her to so I could spend time with my demanding toddler – and do housework etc – was put her in a baby swing. We have a total kick ass monster of a one – The Little Lamb. When I did this I was just like you ‘Sorry I can’t get her to sleep in the cot. Sorry she’s in the lamb.’ But you know what, it got me by at a time when I just needed to get by. Now she sleeps mostly well in her cot during the day. Please Lord, don’t let me jinx myself. Good luck!!! (Sorry about the essay!)
I am googling The Little Lamb right now. Thanks!!
(Apparently, another approach is to write a big ‘I’m sorry’ mother-guilt post on your blog. Mitchell has had big sleeps in his cot the past three mornings. And I’m sure I’ve just jinxed it for tomorrow!)
Do you know what I love about your blog…? That you are not afraid to write what most of us are thinking. Even if you do sit on posts for a little while.
If you’re up to it, rug up and head out for a walk, even a short one. Or failing that, if you can get to a local park, try it out.
Fresh air does something to us. Ashleigh will love it and Mitchell should sleep. My Miss 2.5 still (usually) has her day nap in her pram.
Try it out if you’re up to it. It worked for me most days… And there are no dirty floors or piles of washing at the park.
Love to you X
Thank you. Walks are my current favourite way of settling him in the afternoon! I walked so far the other day that even the toddler fell asleep, having already had a long nap that day. Oops.
Dreading the rain…
Love you Em. You have nothing to apologise about xxx
Back at you. And thanks. Now tell that to the voices in my head. x
Well I used to put No.3 in a swing, he didn’t sleep much even then but he was settled, as long as he could see me, the rocker on the bench while I was doing things also helped.
I SOOOO know where you are coming from – I have had all those guilt feelings, but you’re a great mumma, hang in there, it will pass. xx
Thanks for your kind words, Em.
Oh I feel your pain, don’t we torture ourselves! But as you say, we all have these feelings and they go away again and are replaced with joy and wonder. Thanks for sharing.
The torture never stops! At least the exhaustion goes away so you can deal with it better!
Loved this post when I first read it and still love it now. Us mums can be so hard on ourselves can’t we?! Sorry is probably my most often used word too. Sending you hugs xx
Thanks Renee! So lovely of you to comment again.
With Some Grace once said “I did my best, it wasn’t enough but it could have been worse” I think that’s worth repeating when those thoughts creep in.
Just go out and don’t worry about it – my eldest (who is extremely intelligent by the way, so I associate non sleeping babies as smart ones – pat yourself on the back) never slept for more than 40 mins during the day – so we just went out and he slept here and there in the pram or car – both of us were much happier. Even a stint at tresellian resulted in me being sent home with a ‘he just doesn’t want to sleep’,
She’s a wise one, that Grace. Thanks Lydia.
The raw honesty of this post is humbling. It is the voice of many mothers, quiet and alone, often in the darkness of the night and the depths of their mind. Speaking about this is so important; a way to find clarity for you and way for others to navigate through their own life and find solace in knowing that they are not alone. Thank you for sharing such beautiful words for #convocoffee Josefa
Thanks Josefa, what a beautiful comment. Thanks for hosting. x
This could have been me after we bought our baby boy home. Thank you for writing about a topic which resonates with so many of us x
You’re welcome! Parenting is so lonely sometimes, especially in those early days.
You have nothing to feel bad about being honest and your post speaks to so many mums and validates what they are feeling, which is really powerful. My own experience of mother-guilt is different (our kids are adopted – so I don’t have any newborn tips for you) but I can relate so well to the circular cycle of guilty thoughts. I linked up late with Always Josefa for #convocoffee with own confessions. We all have to work together to kick this mother guilt.
Thanks Kathy. Yes, we do. It’s all about supporting new mothers and helping with the little things so there’s no – well, less – opportunity for the guilt to fester.
Aw, I am sorry too. It amazing how the “Sorries” pile up. I am glad they didn’t all come at once. Re: settling: I found babywearing the single best tip for being able to get bub to sleep AND get stuff done whilst being able to give attention to older children. It is not a perfect solution but it is the best I have found. a safely worn baby allows the little one to get what they want (snuggles on mum) and allows you to get things done. It is almost a sort of break. As for tips on cot settling I found that some take to it and some don’t so I don’t really have any good tips :/ (sorry).
Em, I’m nearly in tears reading this post. This was everything that was going on in my head during the worst days when my second child was young. I felt like I was pretty much failing everybody. And yes, I’m ok now too. But damn it’s hard. xx
With my second bub just 2.5 weeks, I really feel the guilt of not having as much time for my 2.5 year old. She used to have my attention 100% of the time so it breaks my heart to see her disappointment when I have to say no, I’m feeding your sister or similar. So tough 🙁