I generally like to keep things positive here at emhawkerblog. Tales of my children, the renovation, odes to chocolate, and the occasional song rewrite.
But I’m running on empty at the moment. Short on sleep, short of temper, and short on tales of positivity. I need to get a few things off my chest so I can put them behind me, and get back to the good stuff.
So…
AAAARGH. Parenting. Everyone does it differently. There are as many styles of parenting as there are parents and children in the world.
And as many opinions. As many suggestions and offerings of unsolicited advice.
For the most part, I don’t mind. In fact, sometimes it’s useful.
And sometimes, it’s not meant as advice. Not everyone is judging you. Sometimes, we take innocent comments the wrong way.
But. Sometimes. Just. AAAARGH.
Here are the top five ridiculous things people have said to me about my children and parenting.
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#5. You should read Baby Love.
You may be confused. This seems perfectly reasonable. Why would someone’s suggestion that I read a well-known and well-respected parenting book make this list?
Why indeed. When my daughter turned one, we went to see her (former) maternal and child health nurse. The appointment was horrible from go to whoa. I won’t go into details, except to say that I felt horribly guilty and second-guessed most aspects of our approach to parenting throughout the entire half-hour.
I was fighting back the tears when, at the end of the appointment, the nurse asked if I had any questions. I perked up. She actually wanted to help! She was going to provide actual advice relevant to my actual situation instead of judging me!
I had arrived with a list so I pulled it out and asked the first question, which was about dropping the final breastfeed. She answered with the above line. “You should read Baby Love.” She then asked if I had any more questions.
I folded my sheet of questions, picked up my daughter, and left. And promptly burst into tears.
(I would like to point out that we have had four maternal and child health nurses, and three of them were and/or are brilliant. This is not an attack on the profession, it’s just a frustrated vent at this one nurse who made me feel guilty and judged each of the three times we saw her.)
#4. You dress your redhead in green? How clichéd.
Um, yes. Yes I do. My son has green clothing in his wardrobe. And blue. And white, yellow, grey and black. And even – shock horror! – red and orange.
And I can tell you quite assuredly and with not a hint of bias (ahem) that he looks adorable in them all.
#3. There’s no need to change a nappy as soon as they do a poo. Kids are so spoilt these days.
This oh-so-helpful observation was made by a stranger at a train station. If the worst thing I do as a parent is to ‘spoil’ my child by changing his pooey nappy too quickly, then I think I’m doing okay.
#2. Perhaps formula would be better for him than your breast milk.
I could rant about this one for a whole blog post. But instead, I’ll just say that no matter how much chocolate I eat, this will NEVER be true.
#1. It’s a boy? Get that pink blanket off the pram before he turns gay!
Thank you, bigoted homophobe at the park. What a helpful and enlightened thing to say.
You’re just forgetting a few things:
- If I remove the blanket, the sun will shine directly into my son’s eyes.
- My son doesn’t know what colour his blanket is.
- He may or may not care what colour his blanket is when he does know what colour it is.
- He may in fact like the colour pink.
- People do not choose their sexual orientation; they do not become or ‘turn’ gay based on arbitrary things such as the colour of the baby blanket draped over their pram to shield their eyes from the sun.
- And finally, and perhaps most importantly, IT WON’T BOTHER ME – AT ALL – IF MY SON IS GAY.
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Phew! Tension lifting. Heart rate decreasing. Breathing returning to normal.
Sorry. That was toxic. But necessary. Stay tuned for a return to regular scheduled (positive) emhawkerblog programming next week!
Your turn to vent! What’s the most ridiculous thing someone has said to you about your child(ren) or parenting?
The baby love thing used to drive me nuts too. What was it with that book? I once said to someone that there was heaps of books about babies but not that much on being a mother and the response was “you need to get Baby Love” – I looked at it after that and there was zippo about being a mother….but all power to her agent and the marketing machine that brainwashed everyone….
I actually get a lot out of Baby Love (although completely disagree about teething and wind not being real problems!), but in this instance I was after something a bit more considered and specific to my question than just ‘go read a book’.
I hate how complete strangers feel the need to comment on your life which they know nothing about! I got married at 19 and got comments such as ‘well your an idiot aren’t you’ from a manager in a different department at my work and ‘wow that’s young (insert passive aggressive judgment here)’ from everyone from the waxer to shop assistants. If i want your opinion, I’ll give it to you 😉
Oh dear! That doesn’t sound fun. I got a lot of that at college when it was discovered I was still dating my high school boyfriend (now husband). Everything from ‘It won’t last’ to ‘Oh, that’s cute’. Drove me nuts!
My pet peeve was if I was out in the early afternoon, at the bank, or the supermarket, or Centrelink (isn’t that a fun place to be!) and little mister nearly 2 wasn’t happy at all, and letting everyone know it. Always from somewhere behind I would hear “What he needs is a good smack”. No, he needs to be home in bed, and I know it, but I need to be here at the moment, and believe me, I want to get out of here as fast as I can too.
Oh, don’t you hate that? I just did a supermarket run with a very tired baby!
And no-one ever needs a smack. I can’t stand it when people say that.
The next time I hear this one, I’m going to fly round and slap whoever says it in their mouth and say “There! Did that help? Oh you want to charge me with assault? But I thought a ‘good smack’ would cure you from having an opinion about a child that’s not yours!”
I have a son with autism and if I had a dollar for every time I heard this one, I wouldn’t be at Centrelink in the first place!
The pink blanket story is my favourite, I am thinking you are a grounded brilliant mum xxx
Agree.
That is so lovely. Thank you. You’ve added a smile to my otherwise tense, impatient face!
I don’t get #5 Red hair dressed in green? He is sure to turn out hetero. Everyone knows that if you want to toughen your boy up let him sit in his own poo for hours. I prefer breast milk. And finally to the pink blanket comment, that is why God gave us a middle finger…use it.
LOL! love your comments.
Thanks as ever for making me smile, Cranky!
Re #5, it was a case of the last straw. You know, the one that broke the camel’s back. I thought she was FINALLY going to say something useful and non-judgmental, and answer a specific question, and all she did was tell me to read a book.
I dress my blonde children in blue – because it suits them! My Mum is a redhead and she looks the best in green. What mad observations and comments people make.
Yep, very strange! I love my boy in green, but have to say he rocks blue the best too. (Although, as I said, he’s adorable in anything. Still no bias!)
Hi Emily, just found you via IBOT. I can so relate to all of these! And I agree, most of the time you let it wash over you, but there are days when you just want to sneer at anyone who offers an ‘opinion’ on what you should and shouldn’t be doing. I was chased around a supermarket by a guy once who told me I was going to ruin my daughter’s spine for life because she was in a Baby Bjorn carrier. I tried just saying ‘thanks’ and moving on but he wouldn’t go away so I ended up telling him to mind his business. Oh, and I have a redhead too – and I dress her in every colour under the sun!
Oh gosh, that’s the worst. Usually you can walk away, but when they keep at it, you’ve just got to snap!
Sounds like that book suggestion by that nurse was a cop-out from giving a proper answer to a valid question. And number 3 is absolutely baffling… we as adults would not like to sit in our poop a second longer than we need to, so why should children?
A couple of classics I’ve received include: “Is your baby sleeping through the night yet? Mine slept through since they were X weeks old!” and “Why don’t you just pump your milk? It will make your life so much easier” (HAH! Yeah right)
Milk pumping. Aaaargh. Don’t get me started on what a nightmare that created the first time around! I hear you!
Umm #3 is ridiculous. They’ve obviously never seen what happens when a baby is left in a nappy too long.
The most ridiculous comment I have ever received was from a nurse at Mr 4’s 18 month check up. She was horrified that he wasn’t speaking in full sentences yet and that he couldn’t walk to the fridge and tell me exactly what he wanted. Hell I’m 25 and I still struggle with knowing what I want when I open the fridge!
Absolutely, nappy rash is not fun!
Full sentences at 18 months? I know some do, but surely it’s not expected?
It really does your head in sometimes doesn’t it? Though honestly, if I had a red headed child and someone questioned the green, at this time of year I would just saying they are being festive! 😉
And yes, he is adorable in everything, even with a pink blanket!!!
Festive Mitchell! Love it. Thanks Jess.
My son was always in pink things when he was first born. Still wears pink! It is the new blue for boys… didn’t you know. Some crazy things people say.
My boy rocked a pink sleepsuit for a while. I don’t think he minded. Or even knew!
I can’t believe people have said those things to you, particularly perfect strangers – what’s the go with some people???
Nothing better to do?
Number 1 – sad that these people are still out there. Some people really piss me off!
Yep. It was bad enough for me, but I shuddered at the thought of new mums rocking up for a 2 week check and copping it.
I’ve had people freak out that my two year old is carrying my purse and playing pretend!!! Seriously, get a grip. Also I have a friend who tries to stop my child eating anything with sugar (she doesn’t have kids) and so if someone offers him a biscuit, she will be mouthing No, no, and trying to convince me, it makes me feel terrible, but I’m ok with a small amount of sugar! x Oh.. and red heads and green, sounds fine to me!! x
Ah, the no sugar/no TV/ my child will NEVER… thing. Exhausting. But I’m not sure I can honestly say I never did it pre-kids! OOPS.
I’ve had a few unhelpful things said to me by a maternal child health nurse too – I switched nurses after coming out of one check feeling like I was doing nothing right as a mum.
I’ve had lots of unhelpful comments from people about not being able to have another baby.
Sometimes I just need to remember that what people say says more about them then it does about me.
I switched as well. I also told the council exactly why I was switching. Our current nurse is great. As were our first too (so great they got promotions, in fact!).
Great point at the end there. Thanks.
Thanks for the giggle hope you feel better. I have never heard of the Book Baby Love and don’t think I need to I tend to just wing it with parenting. Parenting books can drive me a little crazy. I also dress my red headed boy in green and get comments but as you say he looks good in it. People are just so conditioned to the norm they do not even realise what they are saying.
I feel bad for possibly misrepresenting Baby Love – it’s a great book, it’s just that being pointed in the direction of a book when I had been asked if I had any specific questions was the final straw. But yes, there’s only so much any parenting book can do!
You’re right, sometimes people just don’t even realise what’s coming out of their own mouths!
Oh Em, I agree with ALL of those. I get sick of people telling me that we give our children too much freedom and fun and we’re always ‘so busy’ – which is crap! I’m actually starting to feel a rant brewing so I had better stop because I have spare time to write it! x
Sorry for getting you ranty! Although you do give good rant. x
Oh I totally agree! The random strange things people say to you when you have children! Very odd indeed!
Very very very!
Wow – I feel like you’ve had the long straw with the rude/ignorant stranger stakes. The worst I’ve had was at a wedding with a distant relative of the groom who had heard about the fact that I was a single mother by choice and said that my daughter was “unnatural.” Amazingly, it didn’t bother me: I was prepared for such comments, even though that was and is the only one like it I’ve received. And she was a very fervent religious type, the very sort I knew I could expect such comments from – and yes, I see the irony in that too.
Unnatural? Ouch. I’m glad you’ve only heard it once, although I wish you hadn’t heard it at all.
This post made me feel much better! Who are these people and why do random strangers think it is ok to tell parents how to do their parenting…..
Who indeed? They’re everywhere!
I’m sure there must be some really wonderful health nurses out there. I’ve heard tell of one or two amongst many many tales like yours. After bad treatment and misinformation with first baby; followed by rude, patronising, mocking treatment with second baby, I finally politely refused their services with third baby. No woman dealing with the hormone roller coaster of life with a new little one should have to deal with someone treating them harshly and for some bizarre reason, deliberately undermining mothers’ confidence seems to be part of some sick culture amongst health nurses. Not that you touched a nerve or anything…Ahem…
There are, and I’ve been blessed with three of them. But this fourth one was so bad as to (almost) undo all the good of the others!
Good on you for just saying no to the whole health check thing after experiences like that.
Some people are just so rude! Urgh! Love the new look by the way. x
Thanks Jodi! People are stoopid sometimes.
Oh no! The things people say! Ps – if you boy likes green he should be allowed to wear it! and a pink blanket wont turn him gay, and what if he is gay – its not like its a horrible thing! Dont stress, you’re obviously a great mum!
Thanks. It’s pretty ridiculous! My boy has no preference. Nor do I. He just happened to be wearing green that day! Lovely comment, thank you.
Oh gosh. I can relate to far too much of this. I think the worst thing thrown my way, on several occasions, usually by old men when I was out and about pushing my 1 and 2 year old in the double pram with the baby in the pouch… “Don’t you own a TV?”
GROAN. Everyone I know with three or more kids cops that one regularly. A friend of mine responds with, “Yeah, we use it to watch porn. It really gets us in the mood!” HA!
Man, I’ve got a few to add to this list:
-“Sometimes kids just need a good smack on the bum”,
-“is he a good baby or a bad baby?”,
But the winner goes to
– “I would kill myself if my child was as naughty as yours!”
It still shocks me when I think of those words exiting that mother’s (a stranger I’d just met in the park) mouth
Great post!!! Gosh people can say the silliest of things sometimes.
The smack thing is awful. Yes! I will teach my child that it’s not okay to misbehave by teaching them that smacking people is okay! Um, no.
And that last one? I can’t believe someone thought that, let alone said that, let alone said that to someone they didn’t know. Disgraceful. I hope you’re okay. Thanks for the comment.
I was shopping in a town an hour away from home with my son’s father a few years ago now. My son was about 2 or 3 at the time and went into full autism melt-down mode after we needed to leave the play park in the middle of the mall. As I tried to calm him, but also gently as I could stuff a screaming, squirming, out of control toddler into the stroller so we could leave. You can imagine the death stares from everyone in the vicinity of the playground, but we finally got him calmed down and left the scene.
Some woman came running up behind us as we left and said “Oh, I’d like to give your son these hot chips, if you don’t mind.” Although we appreciated the gesture, we weren’t about to accept hot chips from some stranger at the mall, we didn’t know how long they’d been out or even who the heck she was or what she might have done to them – could have been completely innocent, but we politely declined and said we were actually on our way to get lunch anyway. (The autism also makes for a VERY picky eater). As she turned around and flounced away, she called back over her shoulder “No, you wouldn’t would you, you look like the kind of parents that would starve your child!”
OMG! I still get anxiety when I visit that town…
“If you don’t mind … you look like you’d starve your child.”
I just don’t get the mind journey there! Politely saying no to an act of kindness doesn’t suddenly call for rudeness.