Image source (used with permission)
Alternative (but less catchy) title: How I try to stop myself from yelling at the kids and succeed most of the time. Okay, some of the time.
I love my kids. Adore them. I think they’re great kids, in that totally non-biased way where even though half of the genes they’re carrying came from me, I’m certain I’d love them just as much if I weren’t their mother.
Certain.
But, man, they can be hard work. All kids can. And sometimes, just sometimes, I can feel the blood pressure rising even more than usual. I can feel the frustration building, the heart rate increasing and the teeth gritting as I try to calmly and rationally explain for the gazillionth time why they can’t have cake for breakfast.
(Breakfast. Yep. It’s possible to lose your cool before breakfast.)
The thing is, I don’t want to be a yelly mum whose kids only behave because they’re terrified of the consequences of not behaving. I think yelling has its place – kids have to know they’ve crossed a line sometimes – but I also think constant yelling is better described as bullying.
So when I feel myself growing and turning green, I try a few simple things before HULK SMASH QUIET KIDS AAAAARGH EXPLODE.
These are things that generally work for me. They’ve been tried and tested on me and my kids. That is my entire statistical sample. They might help you. They might not.
But here they are.
Ask myself what I’m really angry about
Is it even about the kids? Or am I angry because we’re out of milk and I really wanted Corn Flakes this morning, and I’m taking it out on them?
Or am I angry because I just heard someone on talkback radio start a sentence with, “I’m not racist, but…”?
Is it something they’ve done? And if so, did they have control over it? Is yelling going to undo it?
An extension of this is asking myself who I’m really angry at. Is it the kid I’m about to yell at? Or has a sibling used up all my patience that morning? Am I about to yell at my five-year-old daughter because my two-year-old son took fifteen minutes to put socks on, and then she had the audacity to ask for a drink?
More often than not, I want to yell because of a combination of all of these factors. But by the time I’ve thought through them all, that instinct to yell has gone and I can just deal with the situation. Which may or may not include some stern words, but words which will be delivered in a suitable way.
Ask myself if it’s that important
This is hard for me. Confession time: I like structure and routine. (Friends, I know this is a shocking revelation. Pick your jaws up from the floor. We’ll get through this.)
I like to know what’s happening next. I like to know what’s happening after that. I’m someone who would rather be an hour early to something than five minutes late. I live my life by the clock, and my days and weeks look very similar.
So when the kids throw me out of whack, whether through changed plans, changed timetables or changed ANYTHING, I feel frustrated. It doesn’t often come to yelling, but sometimes, when combined with other frustrations, I feel the tension bubbling up.
So I ask myself if it’s that important. And the answer is usually ‘no’.
Leave the room
I have told my children that if I can feel myself about to yell because I’m frustrated, I might leave the room to calm down. I have explained that just like them, mummy gets annoyed and tries to control her feelings by removing herself from the situation.
And I explained it to them in third person just like that. Because mummy can, that’s why.
My five-year-old understands this most of the time. If she is hurtling down the one-way track towards meltdown, my leaving the room will push her right to the edge immediately. But if she is just being persistent and using the opportunity to fine-tune her whining, my leaving the room won’t just calm me down. It will calm us both down.
My two-year-old? Not so much. He’s not ready for this one. He just sees mum leaving when he’s upset and starts screaming. Understandably. So if I need space from the five-year-old, he comes with me. And if it’s him or both of them that are pushing me to my limit, I jump straight to the next strategy.
Okay. This is it. I am about to change people’s lives. Publishers, I am ready and waiting to write your next best-selling parenting guide. Drumroll please…
Sing
Seriously. This is what I do. If I’m frustrated with something the kids are doing or saying, and I’m too far gone into that frustration to go down the logical thinking routes I’ve outlined above, or I’ve already tried those and they’re STILL asking for cake for breakfast, I turn what I’m saying into a song.
It is impossible to yell when you are singing. Impossible. It’s still possible to sound angry, but it is impossible to actually yell.
Try it. Pretend I’ve just asked you if I can have some cake for the thousandth time. In my whiniest voice. And stomped my feet a few times for good measure. And you reply with:
FOR THE THOUSANDTH TIME, NO! YOU CAN’T HAVE ANY! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LEAVE ME ALONE FOR TWO SECONDS!
Now try singing it. See how it sounds.
This is not just a tactic I employ when I can feel myself about to yell. This is one I use when I’m already yelling and want myself to stop. (Have you ever started yelling before you even realised you were going to yell? Your secret is safe with me.)
Turn it into singing. Instantly. The kids will stop howling. They might even join in. At worst, they’ll look at you quizzically, declare you a silly-billy, and walk away.
At best, you’ll all sing along to some funny, improvised song about how it would be so lovely if we all spoke nicely to each other instead of screaming and kicking our legs on the floor, and then have a squidgy group cuddle where each child proclaims their love for you and your ovaries scream CLUCK CLUCK.
Or something like that.
Just sing. It’s the answer to everything.
How do you stop yourself from yelling at the kids? What are your sure-fire tension-diffusing tactics? I’m all ears. And all song.
I tend to break into yet another rendition of “It’s the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine)” when the tanties start. Or I yell. It’s a fine line. Love this 🙂
PS I’m so glad my kids aren’t the only ones who whine for cake for breakfast even though I’ve NEVER SAID YES!
Excellent song choice. I FEEL FINE. Yes. Excellent. (And I also don’t know why they do it when it has never worked!)
I absolutely love this and whilst I don’t sing (ain’t NOBODY got time for that), I do go through a similar thought process. There are a few things I have consciously decided NOT to do as a result of my own upbringing, and yelling is one of them. I’m not saying that I’ve never done it, but it’s not very often and when I do I know it’s because I’ve given in to my anger or lost control of myself, which is not cool. Mostly, when I find myself wanting to yell I make myself deliberately lower my voice, or I leave the room. Some good old deep breathing does wonders. But, my kids are only 5 and 3 so I’m still old enough to outmanoeuvre them most of the time. Time will tell. LOL.
Excellent decision. I’d like to say I never yelled at the kids, and that was originally my aim, but actually now think there’s a (rare) place for it. I used to start whispering but if the kids are in distress mode they don’t even hear it. Singing is heard. x
I like the singing motto. I have adopted it a couple of times myself and it really takes the heat out of the moment. The kids often end up giggling at me and don’t really hear the underlying menacing tone. The other tips which encourage you to step out and get perspective are really useful too. I must remember to exercise them more often!
Thanks Vicki! Yes, it definitely relieves tension!
Most of the time I let a whole lot of stuff slip by but I am finding as they age, the yelling is something I HAVE to do as they just cannot hear me otherwise!! And being boys, they cannot hear me anyway because genetically, they just cannot hear ANYTHING at low decibels.
Oh the agony of this parenting business. Why can’t they just do what they’re told?????!
Reminds me of that meme – I want my children to be confident, independent and free-thinking. Just not while I’m raising them.
I’ll have to try the singing trick! I do try to pick my battles and ask myself if it really matters… does it matter if she wears a fairy skirt over her trousers? No. Does it matter if the little one tries to run onto the road? Yes, in which case yelling is appropriate!!
Yes to that last one! I remember SCREAMING at my little girl as she ran off down the street towards a main road when she was younger. My heart has never beat so fast!
I sometimes get so angry even before breakfast! Argh and then i feel oh so guilty after that. Will try your tip on removing myself from the situation to calm down. Good that these tips are working for you 🙂
Ai @ Sakura Haruka
The guilt. THE GUILT. Leave us alone, guilt!
I’m going to try the singing thing. We’re not a super noisy family so when it does get loud, everyone wigs out and it’s not cool. And we’ve only got the one toddler!
Ah, good. May I suggest having a few songs in mind just in case. Otherwise you’ll go blank and then get mad at yourself for not thinking of any, which doesn’t help! (May or may not be speaking from experience.)
Know the feeling of losing it before breakfast! Never thought to sing might have to do that.
Yay! With all these positive responses, we should start a choir!
The teacher in me knows how to raise my voice to get my point across, I worry it’s perceived as yelling and most of the time it’s a force of habit and I don’t even realise I’m doing it.
I’m one of those mothers that think time out isn’t actually about teaching kids any real life lessons but for the parent to remove themselves from the child and the situation to gain some perspective and control.
Ah yes, it’s an interesting point. Where is the line between a raised voice and a yell? I like your thoughts on the time out.
BRILLIANT!!! I’m going to give the singing a bash Em! It’ll be out of key and probably to the tune of a Rat Pack classic but I’m going to use your awesome song-tool.
It doesn’t have to be in key at all. But I think the preference is to at least recognise it as an attempt at singing 😉
Nodded along reading this – I’m making a big effort to pull myself up and ask is it really important and also stepping away (even if it’s hiding in the pantry for a minute or two) from the situation before I say anything is a great way to get some perspective and pull myself together, even if that resulted in the boys throwing their porridge over each other this morning….
Haha! I mean nawww, porridge? Actually, that gets really sticky. I hope you didn’t jump straight back to the same level of GGRRness from the porridge!
Love it Em. Love it!
Thank you Keira!
Yes to all except singing because I’m not usually mad enough to inflict that 🙂 a pick yoir battles is my mantra
SING, Amy, SING!
I ask myself the same question every day.
Man they don’t want to hear me sing ! I’ll try it , it may work since yelling doesn’t.
If they don’t want to hear you sing, it might work even faster!
From a non-kid side of things, I try to sing when I’m crankly. Sometimes just putting on the radio doesn’t work, but singing does.
Good point – it’s a mood-lifter anyway, so why wouldn’t it work with kids? Thanks Vanessa.
I really needed this, it has been a bit of a shitty week in my house and I am sick of having to yell at the kids to make them listen. Counting down the days to holidays because I think we all need a break to regain some sanity.
Oh man, it gets that way doesn’t it? Sometimes our Fridays feel like that. Counting down to the weekend and some daddy time. (Meanwhile, if it wasn’t Friday, we’d just get on with it. So perhaps on Fridays we should just get on with it too?)
I’m going to try and do a bit more singing. Especially in the mornings when my children are screaming for me to turn on the telly 10 seconds after they’ve woken up!
I’m also big on leaving the room. Perhaps I need to tone down the drama, though 🙂
And with your lovely voice, it can only be a winner! x
Ha! I sing too. Although I sing made-up songs just to drown out the whinging. I only have one nearly-two-year-old and I’m surprised at how ‘yelly’ I can be even at this early stage.
WE ARE SOUL MATES. My songs are always made-up. The Frere Jacques tune gets a workout. So does This Old Man. And recently, Let it Go (although I don’t really change the words to that one…)
Awesome strategies. I yell at hubby more. Maybe I should try them with him lol my eldest is only 2.5 and I get the guilts if I yell at her but she has an annoying habit of jumping on me at night & climbing on furniture. I just have to remind myself she’s bored & wants my attention & it helps. She’s just put up with 9 months of mummy being pregnant. Poor child 😉
Serenade your hubby! Great idea. And I like your reminders to yourself. I found it really hard when my second was born. Sounds like you’re doing really well. Thanks for the comment!
Ha, love this. Sing it Sista! I’m going to try the singing and I think the shock value for everyone will turn the situation around. These are really good tips thank you.
I lost the shock value long ago (actually, probably never had it – I’m always singing!) but think it will definitely work. And you’re welcome! Good luck.
Love the idea of singing Em! I sing a lot with the kids – they are too young to understand that Mummy doesn’t have the best voice so I’m safe… for now. However Mr TT has started just this past week to ask me not to sing (or whistle, or hum). There’s been a lot of “No Mummy! No sing!”. I do on occasion laugh in tough situations and the kids think it’s funny and laugh along. Breaks the tension nicely. I’m sure I yell more than I should – lack of sleep is usually my undoing. You are right – kids are hard work!
I remember reading a journal article years ago about how bubs respond to their parents’ singing (and more so to their mother) more than anyone else’s singing, even if the ‘anyone else’ was a brilliant singer. So there’s something!
Good for you! I might try some…they don’t listen to the yelling anyway…
Haha, so no harm done, right?
It’s the why am I so angry that I work with. I found if friends upset me I would take it out on kids. Not fair huh! No one likes to be a screaming fisher woman
Yes, if you can bring your anger back enough to analyse it I think that’s great!
I sing, I like it, singing diffuses any frustration in many circumstances. If I sing in public the kids are so embarrassed they stop whatever they’re doing immediately.
Despite my current reputation for screaming in my children’s faces daily, I actually don’t yell very much at all. So when I do, I don’t mind so much. Usually I’m just yelling to be heard over the din of my three very loud children. x
Haha, I love the embarrassment angle! Might keep this singing going well into the teenage years, then.
Unfair reputation built by people who clearly read your post WANTING to see you as a screamer. Not how I read it at all, and I can’t believe that website which shan’t be named. xx
YES! I hear you, I hate nothing worse than being drawn in to the battle. This morning I just had to breathe when I found that the 3 yo had decided the box of lego instructions was a toilet…not number one either! Next time I’ll sing 😉
Oh no. That’s rough! If it helps at all, I laughed. No? Oh. Sorry.
I absolutely love the singing strategy. I have tried smiling because it is hard to be angry when you smile but it can just provoke whining kids further. Singing is so silly a response it would snap the tension. I think you’re on to something (says this seasoned yeller).
I like the smiling one! I’m afraid my face would break if I had to force a smile for too long.
Whenever I yell at my kids it is ALWAYS about me. ie – it’s because I’m tired, or fed up or … whatever. It’s tempting to beat myself up for lack of patience in these situations, but they’re going to happen aren’t they? I think I am going to try your singing thing next time!!
That’s it! We don’t become super patient super-humans when we become parents. We’re going to snap occasionally.
Singing! Love that idea and will have to give it a try, although my kids might think they have completely sent me over the edge. If anything, my poor … I mean fabulous … singing should stop them in their tracks 😉 To stop yelling, I usually just try to breathe and give myself a moment to say anything before I open my mouth, this helps me centre my thoughts – that’s easier said than done though when you’re in the moment.
Breathing is a good one. When we remember to do it. I start, then the screaming is still going on around me and it’s instantly undone. Singing is my outlet.
Hi Emily,
I actually use the singing thing all the time! Not just when I’m frustrated and trying not to yell, but also when the kids are throwing tantrums and not listening, when they are tired and grumpy, all the time! It’s really amazing the turn around!
The other one I do is just being silly. Eg, Miss 2 doesn’t want to get dressed, so I might start with hard song from play school, ‘do your socks go on your ears? On your ears?’, before I know it she’ll have stopped protesting and be dressed!
Love your blog!
Haha, love it. Combining silliness with the song singing is perfect!
In hindsight, I often discover I am angry about something completely unrelated to the kids and that is why my fuse is so short. I need to get that thought process going BEFORE the yelling.
And I totally agree, yelling can be bullying. I have been guilty of trying to bully my kids into better behaviour. I feel sad that it took me so long to figure out that not only was it a terrible way to deal with things but that it didn’t work anyway!
Nailed it with the short fuse statement. Yep. And sometimes I don’t realise until afterwards that I was already on edge before it started. I’ve been able to point to interactions where I’ve been the antagonist, not the kids. It’s humbling. And makes me more determined not to yell. x