So, I’m pregnant. I know, it’s all I’ve been writing about for a while. YAWN.
There is just so much to learn from being pregnant. Even, somewhat surprisingly to me, the second time around.
There is also so much to learn from trying to get pregnant.
Cycles. Ovulation. Fertility. All the icky stuff about girly bits that guarantees a lot of my male friends will stop reading this post right about now.
I have polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). Despite the similar names, it has nothing to do with the fact that I have polycystic kidney disease (PKD). Nor is it thought to be related to, nor a result of, my aneurysms, blood pressure or any of the medications I’ve had to take in my life.
Just one of those unhappy life coincidences.
I don’t have many of the outwardly obvious common symptoms of PCOS. I have clear skin. No male pattern of hair growth. And not only am I not overweight or obese, but I have actually spent most of my life in the underweight category for my height.
But I’d take any or all of those symptoms over the symptom that I do have. Anovulation.
Cameron and I had no idea when we first started trying to conceive that it would be so difficult. We didn’t necessarily think it would happen easily – we knew that the PCOS might be a problem, and we’d seen other people we knew take a few months to conceive – but I’m not sure that we truly believed we’d need anything other than persistence. After all, we were still quite young. That had to play in our favour, right? And we knew about the medical issues. Others didn’t. That gave us a headstart.
Right?
It happens to everyone. You tell yourselves it could take a while. Logically, intellectually, you know it doesn’t just happen like that (insert finger click soundbite here). But the feeling of immortality and invincibility that we feel in youth lives on as we get older. It just takes a different form.
Your inner monologue tries to keep your hopes lowered until you’re actually pregnant, but you’re already picturing yourself holding your baby.
We thought it might take a few months. It took much longer than that. And medical assistance. But we got there. And Ashleigh was the wonderful result.
We decided not to wait too long before trying for the second. If it happened straight away, great. Exhausting, but great. If it took a similar length of time, there’d be a good age gap.
And, surely, having been through pregnancy just recently, my body would remember what it was supposed to do? Especially now that we knew that a certain form of medical assistance seemed to help. We could skip straight to that. It’d be a piece of cake. A cinch. We’d have a baby in no time.
Ashleigh celebrated her second birthday earlier this year. I still wasn’t pregnant.
I know there are people who go through hell to have kids, and some who never get there. I know there are people who will read this and think that that’s nothing. Pish. I mean, come on! You’re onto your second pregnancy!
But this is my blog. My space. My story. I’ve only just turned thirty. I’m fit. I’ve worked really hard at getting into the healthy weight range for my height. I take my tablets. I monitor my blood pressure. I have regular ultrasounds and MRIs.
I’m used to monitoring and fixing my health issues. But fertility doesn’t like to conform to easy-to-fix formulae. 28-day cycle, ovulation days 12-14? I wish. Try a 38-day cycle this month. Then none for six months. Then a 45-day cycle. Then 20 just to catch you off-guard. Then have a break for another year.
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. It’s all you can do. It doesn’t guarantee success, and my heart goes out to anyone who has tried, tried again and not received their bundle of joy, but you just have to keep going.
I cried every time I got my period. Every time I peed on a stick to see just that one line appear in the result panel. Whenever I had another blood test return negative for ovulation.
I tried really hard not to cry whenever anyone asked when we were going to go back for number two. When they suggested it might be time we gave Ashleigh a sibling. When they suddenly stopped asking, and it was clear that everyone knew that we were struggling but just didn’t know what to say.
I cried. I almost gave up. Every month. Surely there was only so much hope that could be crushed? Besides, we already had Ashleigh. Were we being greedy?
Then I took a deep breath and got ready to do it all again. And hey, at least one part of trying is fun. Most of the time.
Now I’m pregnant again! We are very relieved, of course. But excitement is still the overwhelming feeling. We can’t wait to meet our bub.
And no, we weren’t being greedy. Ashleigh will become a big sister. She will have a little brother. They are a gift to each other as well as to us.
Can we go through it all again? We’ll see. We’d love to have more children. But we’ll have to see how it goes. Mentally, I don’t know if we can do it. Physically? I’m afraid my body and my health may answer this one for us anyway.
Decisions will come later. For now, it’s excitement. Stay safe, bub number two. We can’t wait to meet you.
Do you have children? Was conception difficult for you? Please share your stories (if you can) below.
We’re a one-child family and have made the decision to stay that way after so many complications with me. I’m learning, slowly, to accept that I have a broken uterus and that there is nothing I, nor science, can really do about it at this point in time.
Instead, we’re starting to look into the idea of fostering or adoption… but as a long-term goal. At the moment… I don’t know. I’m still feeling a little fragile about it all.
Good luck with bub number two – remember to TRY and get plenty of rest 🙂
Chants
xx
(Thanks for stopping by)
Thanks for sharing that with me. My heart goes out to you. We were reaching a stage where we going to stop – perhaps not forever, but at least for a time.
Good luck with your fostering and adoption decisions (and any actions that follow!). x
We’ve been lucky, conception never has been difficult for us (touch wood) and I feel incredibly blessed because of it. I also feel guilty though, guilty that we haven’t had a hard time with it when so many others do.
Never feel guilty. Never. I’m so glad you didn’t have to struggle!
Some friends and family members announced pregnancies while we were trying, and I’ll admit to shedding some tears, but they were never tears of ‘I wish it was me instead.’ Never. Just ‘I wish it was me as well!’
I was really touched by the honesty and raw feelings in your post Emily. I understand all too well about the ‘heartache’ of the period turning up. However, back 30+ years ago not much was done. After an easy pregnancy with #1, it took 7.5 years for the sibling to be born. No reasons other than ovarian cysts blocking eggs. No U/sounds then either…. however, all that aside, it’s a heartbreak and a heartache I read more and more about these days. PCOS in particular. I dont know if it’s because there are more tests available.
Anyway, so glad you are pregnant and with a little one already you do know this time it’s different. Tired barely describes it! Love Denyse #TeamIbot
Thank you, Denyse. And thanks for sharing your story! It seems to be a familiar one – and yes, PCOS seems to be very common. I’d tend to agree; it’s probably not more common, just easier to diagnose now.
Congrats on your pregnancy! What a long, emotionally exhausting journey you have been on. When are you due?
Thanks, Sophie. Bub should arrive in April. If he behaves himself!
The being ‘greedy’ thing makes little sense to me – I don’t know anyone who has children (and knows the commitment) who says that – its so misinformed … I’m glad your girl will have a little brother. Yay to her parents for persevering whether they were going to meet with success or not 🙂
Thanks, Enid. I’m sure baby boy will appreciate the stories of trying (and trying and trying) when he’s older! Perhaps at his 21st?
Congrats on getting your second pregnancy, I hope the little dude arrives safely. I have three kids, I am extremely lucky and blessed that I have had good prenancies and births, after positive pee stick tests. I really feel for people who desperately want children, but can’t. It is a heartbreak, I could never begin to understand.
Thanks for sharing, Alicia. I’m glad there are as many stories of good pregnancies and births as there are of struggles!
Hi Emily, We were lucky to conceive easily on all 3 times (I am the greedy one not you). I am also a midwife so I see plenty of highs and lows in the baby department. I think that may have contributed to our decision to have 3 kids rather than stop at 1 or 2. I wish you and your growing family all the best for April
Not greedy at all! I have to agree with Enid’s comment above – there’s not much room for greed when you’re a parent. Thanks for the well wishes. x
My boys were both conceived on the first attempt, so I’ve never had that month-in-month out disappointment… I feel for people who struggle with fertility because I get the drive/need to have children. (unfortunately my sister is unable to have more than one- despite trying several times via surrogate with donor eggs). Am so happy that it worked for you. All the best with the pregnancy count down!
Thank you Ms Heels! I was never that clucky growing up, and surprised even myself with how much I wanted these children! Luckily for us try, try again yielded results.
I am sending you a lot of good vibes.I have friends who are still unsuccessfully trying to conceive but like you they never give up hope. So I hope this one will be yours. Wishing you all the best! XX
Best of luck to your friends, Rina. Thanks for visiting. x
I, for one, can’t awit to meet bub #2!!! Especially if he’s as awesome as Ashleigh. Even more especially as he will be all the more special for all the extra effort you’ve had to go to!! Lucky Cam’s a spunk ;o)
xxx
Lucky he’ll have Lisa to base his awesomeness on! x