In December, I joined a writing group and received ten writing prompts. And then life promptly got in the way of my writing and blogging mojo. It does that sometimes.
I kept the list though. I plan to visit a prompt every few weeks and post the result here.
The first prompt? Moving. Something I instantly fiddled with in my head (as you do) to produce moo-ving. Cows. Moo-ving. Exercising cows.
So here is a little ditty that I like to call ‘Hoof camp’. As opposed to boot camp. Because I’m clever like that. Ahem.
Enjoy.
—
The cows have all gathered: hoof camp starts today.
It’s time to get fitness training underway!
They want to get slim for their basic survival,
And nervously await the Cow-mando’s arrival.
They’ve heard that the Cow-mando is mighty strict,
But just how much pain will he inflict?
Will he leave them trembling at the teat?
Or fashion them into lean cuts of meat?
Is he overrated? Is he a complete dud?
Or is he the ultimate bovine stud?
The Cow-mando arrives, and the crowd is stunned.
A few cows instantly demand a refund.
“He’s not fit at all!” “You’re pulling my teat!”
“What a load of bull – he does nothing but eat!”
But the Cow-mando won’t stand for that attitude.
“Milk bucket it, ladies. You’re just being rude!
“I have round juicy steaks, and I don’t walk the walk.
But I’m here to instruct. I can talk the talk!
“You’re not here to moo and chew the cud.
You’re here to work hard! Until you draw blood!”
So the cows start to moove. They do push-ups galore,
And then sit-ups and squats ’til they can do no more.
They run through the fields ’til their calves cry in pain,
Then they pick up their calves and run with them again.
They do burpees and star jumps, chin-ups and dips,
And they give up their diet of deep-fried grass chips.
They meet in the field every day, rain or shine.
Exercising from six until well past nine.
The Cow-mando is pleased: these cows are all right.
He prepares a surprise for the very last night.
He calls for silence, then begins to speak:
“I’ve enrolled you all in Tough Udder next week!
“I know you can do it – you’ve all reduced your girth.
Now milk your advantage for all that it’s worth!”
At first there is silence, then the cows all cheer.
It’s the very best news that they’ve heard all year!
The Cow-mando believes in them! The result doesn’t matter.
It’s enough to avoid the charcuterie platter.
The cows have all gathered: hoof camp ends today.
They’re all grade A top choice meat. Hooray!
—
What would you do with the prompt Moving? A tale about bovine boot camp? No? Oh. What then?
Bahaha! Here’s a post I never thought I’d read! Very cute!
I spotted you at Bloggers Brunch and missed meeting you again! X
Thank you Jody! And really?! AGAIN?! We should just arrange a one-on-one catch-up so we can’t miss each other next time!
Thanks for the morning giggle! I’m married to a master punner, so my mind went straight to the barnyard too. Udderly ridiculous, I know, but he really likes to milk these things. Even when there’s so much at steak. He’s got some hide, right?! Sorry, getting carried away now- I can’t help it, I don’t mince words!
Okay, you win! I can’t believe I didn’t include hide or mince!
What a great story Em. Very funny, very precise and I could picture the cows the entire time, making me laugh. Very talented there Em.
Thanks Natalie. You honestly couldn’t give me a better compliment than saying you could picture them.
LOL – Brilliant – so clever – I love it! 🙂
Thank you Min!
You are such a clever one, Em. I thought this was really fab. The ‘cow-mando’ made me snort (in a cow-like fashion, presumably). x
Thanks Bron. Cow-mando made me giggle too. Hubby thought I’d lost the plot as I was madly typing away.
So many questions…. How did I miss your awesome new look? Why am I not subscribed to your blog? I suspect they both have the same answer, namely that my head was too far up my own bum.
Nawww, thank you. I’m impressed that these questions came after a post about bovine boot camp. I’d think that would answer the questions for you!
Oh that is just awesome! Loved the bit about the calves; that’s very clever word play 🙂
Thanks Jess! I still think that rhyme is two edits away from being perfect, but I just had to hit publish!!
I love the direction you took this in. I think I’d probably write about moving house. So boring!
Thanks Malinda! The reason I didn’t participate last month is that my grandfather died, so I was originally going to write about that. Moving on? Moving in terms of emotions and feelings? But decided to have fun with it instead.
Haha oh man thinking about a cow doing a burpee is hilarious! Although maybe it would have more co-ordination than me when trying to do one lol!
I know how you feel – I’m still yet to master the burpee! Would happily learn from the Cow-mando.
Hahahaha love it. You are one clever cookie Em xx
Thanks Lisa
I LOVE this! You are so creative! I think you need to get some of your work in print. It is awesome. It really is.
Thank you Renee. Working really hard on that goal. Fingers crossed.
Ha ha, love it! You are a true wordsmith Em!
Thank you very much!
THAT is a beautiful picture book or animation! I can just see it. Great work.
Thanks Robo. Definitely an animation or comic strip. Can’t see a publisher running with it for kids – too many TV-sensitive jokes (like Cow-mando).
Loved this and as I was reading had a little cartoon in my mind of all the cows going through their training. You are one talented lady and cows or no cows, you NEED to write a kids book!
Thank you so much. Working on it. Working on many. Hopefully one gets picked up.