My son is growing up.
Usually, when I put my son to bed, we read a story or two, sing some songs, then kiss good night.
But one night last week, he didn’t want to do any of that. He wanted to hop straight into bed, and then invited me to lie down beside him.
I did so our noses were touching. He whispered, “Hi.” I whispered it back. He whispered, “Mummy and Mitchy.” I whispered it back. He gave me a kiss. I kissed him back. He gave me a squeeze. I squeezed him back.
And this scene repeated a few times.
My heart sang. My little man is a constant ball of energy and difficult to pin down sometimes. This one-on-one-on-steroids time was beautiful.
And yet as I looked at him, seeing the slightly darker outline of his face in the incomplete darkness of his room, I couldn’t quieten the voice in my head. The voice that felt compelled to point out that he won’t want to do this forever.
My boy is growing up. My boy will grow up. There will come a time when he won’t want to lie down on the bed next to his mummy and whisper that he loves her.
There will probably come a time when he will be mortified that he ever wanted to do that.
My son is two now. TWO. Three years ago I was crying in the bathroom every month as we discovered that, once again, our efforts at conception hadn’t been successful. Two years ago he was refusing to sleep unless in someone’s arms.
He is now at that stage where his language development jumps ahead. From words to two words to sentences to complete thought translation in a matter of weeks.
Kids grow up. I know that. I know that too well. I can’t switch off the voice in my head that constantly tells me so.
Even as I was living this beautiful moment with my son, I was looking back on it from some future self with rose-coloured glasses. Perhaps the heightened awareness made the moment even more beautiful.
Or maybe my instant recasting of the moment for eternal memorydom was doing my son a disservice right in that very moment.
I don’t know. But I know that my son is growing up. And that getting to watch it happen is a privilege.
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My daughter is growing up.
The day after I almost burst into tears while putting my son to bed, my daughter’s kindergarten photos were delivered. And I saw her anew.
And I actually burst into tears.
I’m a stay-at-home mum. I spend most days with my kids. I see them all the time, and I usually miss those moments that others notice. The growth spurts. The leaps in cognitive processing.
But I saw it all in those photos. I saw a kind, energetic, TALL (when did my tiny little baby start being taller than other kids her age?!), assured young girl. I saw the beaming smile of a happy person who is comfortable in being herself.
I saw a young girl. Not a baby. Not a toddler. Not even a pre-schooler, although she is one. I saw a young girl. A young person.
A girl with friends and family. A girl with likes and dislikes. A girl who loves to read, sing and dance. A girl who loves to make her little brother laugh. A girl who already has strong ideas about what is right and wrong.
A girl with a mind of her own. A girl with secrets.
My daughter is five now. FIVE. Five years ago I was still waking her every three hours to feed. She was still underweight. She was my whole world. And I was hers.
She’s still so much of my world. But I become less of hers every day. And that’s the way it should be.
But. WOW. Those moments of realisation. Realisation that she’s becoming herself. Realisation that much of who she’ll become is already right there for us to see. Realisation that other parts of who she’ll become will be influenced not by me, her father, her brother or the rest of our family and friends, but by people we’re yet to meet. By situations and events that we can’t yet imagine.
My daughter is growing up. And getting to watch it happen is a privilege.
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I am growing up, too.
I’m learning a lot about myself and about parenting. I’m learning that I like to help my kids. I like to teach them things. I like to be involved.
But I’m also learning that as much as the early stages of parenting are about providing, teaching and helping, the main part of parenting is actually about letting go.
It’s about trusting your children to become who they are.
It’s so frightening. And so beautiful. I’m not sure if it’s beautiful in spite of being frightening, or because of it.
My kids are still young. I have many more of these lightbulb moments to come. But I’m betting a lot of them are about trust and letting go.
I’m learning so much. And as I watch my children grow up, they are watching me grow up too.
I can only hope that one day they might describe that as a privilege.
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No matter where you are on the parenting journey – not yet started, the beginning, the middle, the end (is there an end?) – what do you think? What lessons has parenting taught you?
Oh I hear you. They are small for such a short time- it’s cruel! My two year old has announced she is not growing anymore!
I wish my kids would stop growing, just for a moment! I can’t keep up!
Oh Em I’m feeling the same way, every time I turn around my kids seem to have changed a little bit more. Letting go is not coming easy for me!!
Letting go is SO TOUGH. Another thing that happens on this parenting journey is that respect for my own parents skyrockets every time I have to let go a bit more. How did they do it?
This is beautiful. Enjoy your children Em. I always remind myself that mantra too (especially on tough days) ‘it wont always be like this’. They wont always want to be around you, they wont always be this demanding, and they certainly won’t be young children forever. So live and take in the season, cause it’s definitely a short one.
That’s it! I’ve been using that mantra this week, although in a different way – both kids have been sick and not wanting to leave me alone even for a second. “It won’t always be like this!” Ha!
This might be a long comment, apologies in advance. When I was pregnant, I couldn’t imagine what my baby would be like. When he was a baby, I couldn’t imagine a toddler, when he was a toddler, I couldn’t imagine a school child. Now he’s a school child, and I still think he’s as gorgeous as the day I met him. And the other day, I saw a flash, just a really quick flash, of what he might be like as a teenager. This week, a milestone I never even thought about happened – his clothes don’t fit on his “kiddy” hangers any more. He has adult ones. Kids certainly do grow, and hopefully along the way, so do we. xo
Nailed it. Beautiful comment – thanks for leaving it. Length schmength.
Yep, it’s always so jarring when you look at pics or videos of your kids from even just six months ago and you realise just how much they’ve transformed without you being aware. It’s great to take time out and appreciate where you all are and how far you’ve come because it’s easy to get so distracted by the day to day busyness of parenting that you don’t reflect. Parenting has definitely taught me how fleeting time is…
My boy had a haircut the other day and I swear he aged a year in the space of ten minutes. (He may well have – he screamed through the whole thing!!)
Hands down my favourite post I’ve read all day xx
Thank you so much. Thanks for sharing it on Facebook. x
Such a beautiful post! What a special moment with your little man, thats just so sweet. Im not liking the idea of learning to let go. I’m dreading the day my little girl doesnt want cuddles or to hold my hand or tummy raspberries… I suppose I will grow with time too
Thanks Luisa. The idea that I won’t be the first person she turns to with news or upsets one day isn’t fun. For now. Got to keep reminding myself that I’m growing up, too.
I love this it’s also a good reminder to me to actually enjoy those moments when they want to talk secretly with me at night instead of saying GO TO SLEEP! Tonight when it will no doubt happen I’m going to enjoy the special moment with them you are right it is such a beautiful time and it’s frightening that it all goes too quickly.
Yes, I did wonder how many times I’d missed that moment previously because I was in a hurry to get back downstairs.
The story about bedtime made my heart sing! Aww!
Thanks Haidee! Mine too.
“Trusting your children to become who they are” – the hardest bit of all. x
Certainly is so far! And yet I’ve seen enough of them to think it shouldn’t be that hard. They’re pretty darn awesome.
Bless what a delightful and moving post Em, I can relate, especially the growing part (well sadly I’m growing out too) But I’ve changed so much, for the better, since becoming a mum. I almost want my babies to stop growing for a few months xxx
Me too. And yet I love the stages and am almost imagining them as adults, wondering who they’ll be. So silly!
This is just a beautiful post. It made me realise I need to stop taking little moments for granted and make sure I hold on to them before my kids turn into teenagers!
Thank you Emma. Lovely comment.
Well, this brought a tear to my eye.
So beautifully said Em.
Thanks Jess!
Shit man, you are going to make me CRY. I love my boys at this age. 5 and 3. One a little more grown up – but still my baby – and the other one, well, he’s still very much mama’s boy. Part of me wants them to stay this way forever.
That’s not the aim! I promise! It is a wonderful age. My little man, for all his constant energy, is definitely a mama’s boy right now. Dreading the day that changes.
Such a lovely post! Those bed time snuggles are so good! But watching them grow up and away from us is as thrilling as it is bittersweet. I was watching my almost 8 year old running through his school the other day and it struck me how confident and at home he feels there. He has made a place for himself in a world that I am largely absent from. It makes me proud – and so relieved.
xx
That’s true. I feel so proud I’m about to burst when little girl ventures out into the big world on her own and not only survives, but thrives.
Beautiful post.. Sometimes I look back on photos of my kids & I reminisce & cry.. They grow so fast! And it is a privilege to watch them grow, but it’s oh so scary at the same time xx
A scary privilege perhaps? Thanks Danielle.
What a beautiful post to read Em. Our kids are similar in age. I said tonight to Esther as we showered together ‘when did you grow up?’ and She replied “just a little bit at a time”. I’m amazed at her grasp of language, her art, really her everything. It was only 5 years ago that she was a baby in my arms. I feel the more kids you have, the quicker the years go. x
Thanks Bec. That is an ADORABLE response. Just a little bit at a time, bless her heart.
Beautiful post Em and something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. Mine are 4 and 6 and when I go in to re-tuck them in before I go to bed, I always take a moment to just look at their little faces. Sometimes just staring at them in the dim light while they sleep brings a tear to the eye. Noticing how big they are and how quickly these early years pass. Xx
Yep, those fast-asleep aren’t they angels moments always bring a tear to the eye! Thanks Shannon.
Beautiful post and full of so much truth. I’m finding that, with a baby in the house, every time I look at my bigger kids they seem so much more grown up and it’s beautiful and sad all at once.
Yes! Absolutely! When youngest was born eldest immediately looked older again in my eyes. It’s amazing!
Letting go is proving very hard! My tornadoes are 5 and 3 and are getting so big. Too big. I want to slow down time but I’m enjoying watching them grow up so much especially past the toddler stage and into “big people”. Seeing Miss T experience things for the first time like her first school disco, performing in her first school assembly, playing her first minkey game, doing her first proper cartwheel – makes deliriously happy. I’m just making the most of all the cuddles and “I love you” moments (or in Mr TT’s case “I like you”) before it becomes embarrassing for them. Beautiful post Em xx
First school disco and school assembly! Gah. We’re still at the kinder stage, but even kinder has enough milestones that make me simultaneously proud and wanting to scream WAIT!
Such a beautiful post Em. My eldest is starting to bloom into a young woman in every way. I can’t believe my little girl is there already. Surely she is too young! I worry about the teenage years. I worry about losing them to peer pressure, to the world. But I also look at her and feel so proud of the girl she has become. Strong and determined, successful at so many things. I must take a deep breath, soak it all in and try to stay calm!
I worry about all that too. Friends, peer pressure, and their constant presence these days through technology. There’s no escaping school politics when you get home.
what a beautiful post. I don’t think there is an end, once you become a parent you will forever be one, I think the role we play in our children’s lives just changes.
Thanks Sarah. Very true. That saying – to have kids is to forever have your heart walking around outside your body – I guess it doesn’t go back in when they reach a certain age!
Oh I learn so much every day. I’ve learnt that as much as I truly value being a SAHM and being there with my kids and teaching them every day and sharing in their lives I’m actually a much happier person if I’m NOT doing that all of the time. I’ve learnt that I need to get out to work at times to save my sanity.
I’m learning to let go at the moment. My eldest turned seven last week. He has grown up so much in the last two or three years. He’s not a baby any more. He’s heading towards ‘young man’ status already. He still wants to cuddle and hold my hand, which I love, but he also likes to tease and asserts his independence. We’re testing the waters of getting himself to school on his own and he’s cultivating his own groups of friends and school and footy life that has nothing to do with us. I kind of miss the little boy but I’m equally excited about growing with him and seeing the man that he will become. x
Beautiful comment, thanks for sharing. Yes, all the gushy stuff said, I still really need that one day (six hours ish) to myself every week. I’m glad your seven-year-old still likes to cuddle and hold your hand. I have hope!
Just gorgeous!!! My eldest is nearly 8 & she was walking in front of me the other day all legs & arms & flicking pony tail & I was like, who is that gorgeous grown up girl??? Time flies xx
Haha, exactly! Those moments. Gah.
So much. I don’t know where to even begin. They taught me the real meaning of love and sacrifice, and that is ongoing. My son is way taller than me, my daughter is almost as tall. They are so wise and funny and strong in so many ways. I made them. I helped make them the wise, kind, funny people they are. They make me want to be a better person.
Such beautiful lessons, thank you for sharing.
This is just beautiful and a good reminder for me to take the time to appreciate where they are at right now.
Thanks Malinda. I’ve got to constantly remind myself!
Oh, Em. Loved this post so much. I think the same things almost every night when I lie next to my boys. The “I wuv you too”‘s, the touching of noses and cheeks, their cold little feet digging into my tummy. I am going to miss is all. What I’ve learnt though, is to really soak in these moments, try not to think about anything else but just to be still and completely present.
That’s what I try to do! Tonight he was a giggly, cuddly little munchkin as I put him in bed and I just loved it. And then I went in to my daughter’s room and she read me some Enid Blyton. SHE read to ME. It’s all going way too fast. x