You’ve no doubt seen the news; maybe you’ve even got yourself a copy. The hilarious Go the Fuck to Sleep has a sequel!
You Have to Fucking Eat was released this month (along with a special YouTube clip narrated by Stephen Fry).
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Well, I have something very special for you today. Since hearing this news, I have been working on my own book. And I’m sharing it with you for free!
Welcome to a special preview of the next book in the series, Because I Fucking Said.
(Before I start, I’d like to apologise. This is very far off the usual tone around here. I don’t like to swear at emhawkerblog: I think you could count the sum total of swear words on this blog on one hand. And two of them appear in a single guest post.
But as soon as I started thinking about what the third book in the ‘Fuck’ series of parody children’s books would look like, I couldn’t switch the thoughts off. This felt like the natural extension.
I’d also like to apologise to anyone who hasn’t yet had children, or who thinks that the ‘why’ stage is nothing but precious. This may seem outrageously horrible to you. And by may, I mean will.)
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A zebra has stripes and a leopard has spots
From its toes right up to its head.
But why does a lion have a mane?
It’s simple: because I fucking said.
You mix red and yellow to make orange,
And purple is blue mixed with red.
Why do blue and yellow make green?
Because they fucking do, okay? I said.
A rainbow has all the colours within
And stretches above your head.
Why does it come out after the rain?
Fuckity fuck! It just does! I SAID.
Mythological creatures, monsters and dinosaurs,
Animals alive and dead.
But why did the asteroid hit the earth?
Are you shitting me? Because I said!
Cupcakes and chocolates are really yummy,
And your favourite is fairy bread.
Why do you have to eat vegetables for dinner?
Because. I. Fucking. Said.
On Dasher! On Dancer! On Vixen and Prancer!
And Rudolph with your nose so red.
How do the reindeer fly in the sky?
Fucking magic, okay? Yep, magic I said.
You’re calling me a silly goose now;
I must have rocks in my head.
Then you go and say exactly the same thing!
For fuck’s sake! That’s what I said!
Bath time is fun, with bubbles and toys
And shampoo all over your head.
Why do you have to brush your teeth?
Don’t fucking bother. Yeah, you heard what I said.
Paddington, Maisy, Charlie and Lola;
That’s at least eight books we’ve now read.
Why have we finished reading now?
Because THE END. I fucking said.
Your pillow is fluffed, your blankets pulled up,
It’s time to lay down in your bed.
Why do you go to bed before mum and dad?
Fuck this shit. Because I said.
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I’m tired. Exhausted. Drained of energy.
I need to rest my head.
Time to replenish, ready for tomorrow’s round of
BECAUSE I FUCKING SAID.
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So, what did I miss out on? What questions do your children ask you? Over and over and over…
And what do you think the next book in the series will be?
Hahahahaha this is bloody hilarious. I love a good swear 😉 Seriously, this is very clever and made my morning so far!
Thank you Amy! Glad you enjoyed it.
oh I laughed!! This is so good!! You must send it to someone.
Our children feed the animals. One child, every morning and EVERY night asks how many scoops. How many? Its one. It’s not hard to remember. Yet everyday, twice a day, he needs to ask. It drives us all batty. xS
That would drive me up the wall! Thanks for sharing this on your blog, too.
Haha! Love it! Not looking forward to that stage either!
Dani @ sand has no home
I was looking forward to it. Very much. Oh, how naïve I was!
I love these books, they are so hilarious because they say what we are all thinking but not brave enough to say out loud to our kids.
My step-brother gave me Go the Fuck to Sleep when my daughter was still quite young and I was mortified. Now I laugh!
Love it! Because I said so is used often in our house. It’s used most often when trying to get Mr 5 to get dressed. It’s such a painful experience!
We’re all okay with things like that, it’s the fifth repeat of a question that has had a genuine answer five times that makes my eyes boggle out of my head!
Cleverly written!
Thanks Bec!
Oh I love love it! I have a 4 yo who is well and truly in the WHY phase. FFS is something I would love to say A LOT! Thanks for linking. #TeamIBOT 🙂
You have permission to think it every time. Hopefully it makes you laugh when you want to yell!
Hands down my favourite post from today. So many questions everyday. So, so many questions :/ x
Thanks Renee!!
LOL I really needed this today.
Glad I could help! x
Haha needed a good chuckle thank you!!
You are most definitely welcome!
My Mr 3 is deeeep in the ‘but why?’ stage right now! And the older kids have selective deafness about rules. I love this. I’ll certainly be using many of these phrases in the weeks ahead – just minus the F word 😉
Definitely, unless you’ve got a personal censor following you around with a BEEP machine.
BAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHHAA!!! THIS IS GENIUS. That is all. You need to publish this.
Thank you. Still need to add genius to my business cards.
Love this! You are so clever! You really need to be publishing books, Em. I’d buy all of them!
Well well well, I might just make some for your boys anyway! x
Awesome work Em – I’m currently living this!
Sigh. You and me both! (It’s adorable, it’s adorable, it’s adorable…)
Lol. You are classic. This is very clever and full of hilariety!
Thanks Vicki!
Oh, I fully laughed out loud at this!!! Brilliant! Confession- I used to be one of those people who thought I would never utter the phrase “because I said so”, before I had kids. Yep, I want to go back in time, and slap myself in the face!!! BECAUSE I FUCKING SAID SO!!!!
I was that person too! Separated at birth, we were.
I love this more than words can express Emily 🙂
Thank you Nicole!
Yes Yes Yes!!
Hooray hooray hooray!
I must confess I swear WAY more than I should. (But not around kids or strangers!)
I think you’ve got yourself a book right there!
Thank you so much – fingers crossed a book gets out there one day.
Very Clever and funny. and I so get it. WHY? because I’m a f@#cking mother!
I’m thinking of a version that covers letting me take a shower without the small person yelling the F@#cking house down. It’s only 10 F@#cking minutes!! How many times do I have to say it “I’m in the f@#cking shower; I cant hear what youre f@#Cking yelling about!”
phew, got that off my chest.
it’s quite liberating isnt it?
Haha, perhaps that can be the next one. ‘I Need a Fucking Minute’
You have such a way with words Em, if this isn’t made into an ebook before Xmas then I’ll be sad. It’s the BEST present ever to give to family or friends… iron is hot – STRIKE! I’d pay for it, true story…. get working girl! Em – thanks for linking xx
Thanks Em! Know any illustrators willing to work for cheap? (And by cheap, I mean nothing.)
Great book, not sure I would want to leave it laying around for my little one to read it, but it sure is funny 🙂
Yes, I just put GTFTS away on a high shelf!
I f@#cking love this Em ! You absolutely nailed it xx
Haha, thanks Jules! x